Minor Characters Quotes quotes

Father Gerald: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spigot. Spirit!

In the name of the father, the son and the holy goat. Eh... ghost.


George the boor at The Boatman: I was at school with his brother Bufty. Tremendous bloke. He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless. Still, it taught me a thing or two about life.

Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is? Fiona: The name's Carrie. Charles: Pretty. Fiona: American. Charles: Interesting. Fiona: Slut. Charles: Really? Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league. Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

Charles: Sorry.. look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on... Carrie: That was very romantic. Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Tom: Splendid, I thought. What did you think? Bernard: I, thought, splendid! What did you think? Tom: Splendid, I thought.

Charles: What turn off? Better not be the B359. Scarlett: It's the B359. Charles: **** it!

Henrietta: Charles! Charles, we must talk. Charles: Right. Henrietta: The thing is, Charlie, l've spoken to lots of people about you. Everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles. Charles: Am l? Henrietta: You see, you're turning into a kind of serial monogamist. One girlfriend after another, yet you never really let anyone near you. On the contrary... You're affectionate to them and sweet to them. Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot. Charles: I did not. Henrietta: You did. I thought U2 was a type of submarine. Charles: In a way, you were right. Their music has a naval quality. Henrietta: Be serious, Charles. Give people a chance. You don't have to think 'I must get married', but you mustn't start every relationship thinking 'I mustn't get married'. Charles: Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along. Henrietta: Charlie! Oh, God! The way you used to look at me! I just misread it, that's all. I thought you were going to propose and you were just working out how to leave.

Carrie: Having a good night? Charles: Yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.

Charles: Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time. Tom: Traitors in our midst.

Charles: Thinking they're running really late Time. Matthew: Honestly? Charles: Yes! Time! Matthew: It's about ten to nine. Charles runs off, realises what Matthew said and returns to the car Charles: Bastards.

Charles: Perhaps we should've got married. Henrietta: No! I'd have had to marry your friends, and I'm not sure I could take Fiona. Charles: Fiona loves you. Henrietta: Fiona calls me Duckface. Charles: Well, I never heard that.


Fiona: How's Duckface? Charles: Good form actually, not too mad.

Charles: How do you do, my name is Charles. Old man: Don't be ridiculous, Charles died 20 years ago! Charles: Must be a different Charles, I think. Old man: Are you telling me I don't know my own brother! Charles: No, no.

Charles: All these weddings, all these years, all that blasted salmon and champagne and here I am on my own wedding day, and I'm... eh... em... eh... still thinking. Matthew: Well, can I ask about what? Charles: No... no... I think, best not.

Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night"? Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation. Charles: Uh-huh. Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock. Charles: Which is? Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him. Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant! Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives. Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation. Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

At the second wedding Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married? Fiona: No. Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian? Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that? Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibilites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right chap," eh? Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull? Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you. pause Fiona: The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance. Mrs. Beaumont: Oh, what a shame. Fiona: Yes, isn't it? another pause Fiona: I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes.


Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt? Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl. Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

Fiona: about congratulating parents of bride and groom God, I never know what to say in these ghastly line-ups. Gareth: It's a cinch! Just give a big warm hug and say the bride looks... pregnant. Matthew: Or you can stick with convention and say "You must be very proud." Fiona: Heaven preserve us... in the line Fiona: You must be very proud!

Carrie: Our timing has been very bad. Charles: Yes it has been. Very bad. Carrie: It's been a disaster. Charles: It has been, as you say, very bad indeed.

Charles is translating what his brother David is saying about Carrie in sign language David: signing Beautiful breasts. Charles: Err, he says, "That's a beautiful place. Hilly."

Charles: Tom, are you the richest man in England? Tom: Oh, no. We're... like, seventh.

Bernard: How's it going, Lyds? Lydia: Bloody awful. Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem? Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight. Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything, I could always... Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.

Fiona: Where's Gareth? Matthew: Torturing Americans. Fiona: How thoughtful of him.

Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life? Carrie: I do.

Fiona: Discussing the first time one performs a wedding It's rather like the first time one has sex, I suppose. Father Gerald: I suppose so. Fiona: Only not as messy, and far less cause for condoms.

Serena: Excuse me? points out Charles's brother, who is talking to Charles in sign language Who's the boy over there? In the grey? Matthew: Name's David. Serena: watching David admiringly He's something of a dish, isn't he. Matthew: I've always thought so. Serena: Why are they... why are they...? mimicking the sign language Matthew: Oh, the dish can't hear. Serena: Gosh... Matthew: Yeah. Silent, but deadly attractive.

American wedding guest: Do you actually know Oscar Wilde? Gareth: Not personally no. But I do know someone who could get you his fax number. Shall we dance?

Matthew: Sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car, I thought we'd all go with Tom. Charles: Late? So late? Matthew: Yeah. It's 9:45. Charles: 9:45? Matthew: Yep. 45 minutes until "I do".

George the boor at The Boatman: If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am as a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. Gareth: Good point.

Scarlett: [At wedding one, the bride walks down the aisle] Isn't she beautiful? Fiona: Scarlett, you're blind, she looks like a big meringue.

Gareth: Scarlotta! Fabulous dress. The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange symbolizing the mystical symbiosis in marriage between the heathen and Christian traditions? pause Scarlett: That's right.

Gareth: We had the most delightful girl at our table. Carrie, apparently her fianc?'s terribly grand and owns half of Scotland. How about you? Charles: I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell, ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing I'll bump into Henrietta and the nightmare will be complete. Henrietta: Hello Charles. Charles: Hello Hen, how are you? Hen bursts into tears

David: How are you doing? Charles: You remember the time you started dad's boat and the propeller cut my leg to shreds? David: Yeah? Charles: This is worse.

Vomiting Veronica: to her husband about going to India with Charles Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill. Charles: I was only trying to cheer you up, V. Naughty Nicki: Oh, you're that Veronica! Vomiting Veronica: Which Veronica? Charlie? Charles: trying to change the subject Remember Bombay? Naughty Nicki: When Charles and I were going out, he told me he had this interesting journey around India with Vomiting Veronica. I think that was it. Charles: embarassed I don't remember - maybe I did. Mocking Martha: Oh, come on Charles! I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet. I remember you going on about this one girl - Helena wasn't it... who's mother made a pass at you... Vomiting Veronica: I remember this! You couldn't work it out whether or not it'd be impolite not to except her advances! Naughty Nicki: Helena was Ms. Piggy! So her mother was Mrs. Piggy! all laugh Miss Piggy: who's been with them the whole time We've both lost a lot of weight since then!

Tom: Well, let's face the facts. If you weren't certain you wanted to marry her today, of all days - i.e., your wedding day - then it must have been the right decision, mustn't it? Fiona looks at him as though she's about to say, "Bugger off, Tom," for the umpteenth time, then reaches out and touches his shoulder affectionately Fiona: Quite right, Tom.

Charles and David are conversing in sign language with Carrie present Charles: We were buying her a wedding dress. David: Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying? Charles: Some total penis. David: What is it about penises that they get such great wives?

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