"I was on my gazebo, on the roof, making some repairs, and I was struck by lightning...and I've had migraine headaches and blurred vision ever since then but praise the Lord that was my lucky day because ever since then, I've had the healing power. Amen, God bless you. Thank you very much. Good night. Yes? What happened? Yes?

Announcer: Lets welcome our guest healer Mr. Claude Henry Smoot

KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be.

Ben Dover: Take your pants off.
Fletch: I don't even know your name.
Ben Dover: Bend over.
Fletch: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo.

Calculus Entropy: Guess you'll be movin' in with me.
Fletch: Thanks, Cal. Look at the bright side. You won't have to bother dusting anymore.

Calculus Entropy: How do you do? I be Calculus Entropy, you be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?
Fletch: I be Fletch, Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.

Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.

Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?

Cindy Mae: (Turbulence) Oh Lord, what was that?
Fletch: We just clipped a Piper Cub. Pilot's okay, I just saw him parachuting.

Cindy Mae: What did you say you name was?
Fletch: Nostradamus.
Cindy Mae: Nostra Damus? I love the Fightin' Irish.

Doorman: Name?
Fletch: Ah...Irwin M Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.
Doorman: Address?
Fletch: 7.

Fletch: (flirting) Hey Betty, how about lunch at the In N' Out Burger?
Betty Dilworth: (disgusted) No.
Fletch: Okay, forget the burger, how about just the In N' Out?
(she sneers at him)
Fletch: Ok, how about just the In?

Fletch: It's a championship Laker watch.
Cindy Mae: Oh, are you a Laker?
Fletch: I used to date one - only thing I have to remember him by.

Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?
Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.
Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.
Frank: Uh, there's only one.

Fletch: What're you in for?
Ben Dover: Moleseting a dead horse.
Fletch: Well..I can't see what's so wrong with that.....did the horse object?