Charles Jefferson: [to Damone, about his car] Don't fuck with it!

Jefferson's brother: You see this month's Playboy? Bo Derek's tits... I like sex.

Brad: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here.
Spicoli: Well, something must have happened to them.

Brad: Why don't you get a job Spicoli?
Spicoli: What for?
Brad: You need money.
Spicoli: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Businessman: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad: Mister, if you don't shut up I'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up
Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!
Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!

Damone: [dropping in on Stacy's house to swim] This is going to be great, Rat. It's like the highlight of their day.
Mark: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like...
Damone: What are you kidding? We're gunna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper?
Mark: Hey, come on, this is clean.
Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again.

Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark: The attitude?
Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?
[Desmond raises hand]
Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?
Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.
Mr. Hand: How long ago?
Desmond: Right before class.
Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.
[Desmond exits]
Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside of your heads? There are some teachers at this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play. They pretend they don't see you, and you pretend you don't ditch! Now, in the end, who pays the price? YOU!

Mr. Vargas: [entering the morgue] Hey, you in my class?
Spicoli: I am today.

Mr. Vargas: They sold their bodies to medicine for money. About $30, I think.
Dr. Miller: Twenty-five.
Spicoli: Righteous bucks!

Spicoli: Hey, wait a minute. There's no birthday party for me here! Hola, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?
Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.
Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or wouldn't?
Spicoli: See, there was a full crowd at the food lines.
Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why must you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Spicoli: [thinks it over] I don't know.
Mr. Hand: [writes I DON'T KNOW on the chalkboard] I like that. Hmm Hmm. "I don't know," that's nice. 'Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?' 'Gee Mr. Spicoli, I don't know.' That's nice, I really like that. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to leave your words on my board for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Spicoli: All right!

Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes...
Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Spicoli: He's the full hot orator.

Stacy: I want a relationship. I want romance.
Linda: In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, Stacy, and you want romance.

Stacy: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda: A quart or so.