Ernest Goes to Jail

Ernest Goes to Jail quotes

32 total quotes (ID: 1034)

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow)
Chuck
Ernest P. Worrell
Felix Nash
Warden Carmichael


Now, Nash, you'll never get away with this!


Ernest P. Worrell: Mr. Poodle-Smurf is lucky to have me. One day, I'm gonna walk into his office and I'll say: 'Oscar Babe'.
Oscar Pendlesmythe: WHAT?
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh good morning Mr. Poodle-Smurf, Puddle-Smit, Smiddle-Poot...
Oscar Pendlesmythe: Pendlesmythe, you idiot!

Ernest P. Worrell: Did you hear the one about the three legged dog that walked into a bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw." (laughs then metal lid clings to his face)
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): Ernest, Ernest are you all right?
Ernest P. Worrell [After removing a metal lid that clung to his face, even though the lobster is still stuck to his face]: I recommend the lobster. (laughs)

Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think our table has any steak sauce!
Guard [Crossly]: Get up!
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners, I should have waited for the others!
Guard: (blows whistle) Eat, Greaseball!
Ernest P. Worrell: I didn't order a grease ball.

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [Thinking Nash is Ernest] What happened to your voice? You sound different.
Felix Nash: Oh, I got a little laryngitis.

Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow): [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Do you think you let me get near me after what you did to Ernest? He was the kindest man who was ever loved in my whole life?
Ernest P. Worrell: Gee, Charlotte, I'm touched!

Ernest P. Worrell: Where to?
Warden Carmichael: To the row!
Ernest P. Worrell: The row?
Warden Carmichael: As in "death row"!
Ernest P. Worrell: Death row? You mean like the chair?! ...The hot seat, dead meat, deep 6, it's over pal, you're outta here bub, the groundhog's are bringing you your mail, you're picking turnips with a step ladder, the no tomorrow row? That kind of row? Oh no. The row?

Auntie Nelda: The way they run this institution is an outrage, for a poor, tight, old lonely woman like me. Her only son of feathers is a terribly successful one. Young man? Young Man?
[The gate guard comes out]
Auntie Nelda: Young Man, Would you please open that gate, I left my car running outside?
Gate Guard: Ma'am, You tell me how you got through this gate, the visitors area's on the other side of the prison.
Auntie Nelda: I brought him up with the best I could, but sometimes a bad thief pulls from even the most fragile flower.
Gate Guard: Ma'am, you are not going through this gate.
Auntie Nelda: Is this the way you'd treat your mother? Is this the kind of abuse that poor woman must endure?
Gate Guard: Well, I guess that my mother is a little bit mad at-...
Auntie Nelda: Mmmhmm! You ought to be in the slammer with the rest of these misfits! If you had any remorse at all for the HORROR you pushed your mother through, you'd open that gate! I have a car overheating as we SPEAK!
[Ernest (as Auntie Nelda) makes a snooty expression at the gate guard]
Gate Guard: Ok, Ok.
[Picks up phone]
Gate Guard: All right! Let's open the east gate.
[Hangs up phone]
Gate Guard: There! Now you satisfied?
Auntie Nelda: I'll tell your mother how her son has improved despite his shady and somewhat checkered past.
[Prison balls tied to a chain fall out of Ernest's disguise]
Auntie Nelda [Lying about the prison balls]: The doctor told me that I'd only have to wear these until after the sugery.
[Guard nods sarcastically and takes Ernest away]

Rubin Bartlett: Not so fast!
Ernest P. Worrell [After being 'resurrected' by the electric chair and is stopped by Rubin Bartlett from leaving]: You better watch out Rubin. I'll zot you.
Rubin Bartlett: You're a dead man, Worrell.
Ernest P. Worrell: Very well. You know I am Ernest P. Worrell, electro-man. [His electrical flux fails and several metal things stop clinging and fall off his body] A-hih-heh-hih-hih! You know, you have a classic Greek profile.
Rubin Bartlett: Come on, Lyle, we gotta get rid of this guy before he blows the whole thing!

Ernest P. Worrell: (gasps) I've been vandalized...By Elvis!
[Suddenly after Ernest go gets changed we then go to the car that got a flat tire]
Charlotte Sparrow (Miss Sparrow) [Crossly]: I can't believe it! I can't believe it! First, Ernest, and now this! I'm acting like a victim, I need to tell Ernest, exactly how I feel, and I need to do that right now while I'm still mad!

Ernest P. Worrell [After drying himself off with his body dryer and checking the circuit board]: Oh, there's my problem right there. This wire's got a little sh...
[Gets electricuted]
Ernest P. Worrell: ...short in it.
[A metal comb clings to his vest]
Ernest P. Worrell: Gosh, not again.

[Ernest and the crew he's with are being forced to go into a jail cell, and Ernest is mistaking the prison he's in for his jury "accommodations"]
Ernest P. Worrell: We're sequestered. And on top of that we can't even leave! Oh, this is great. This is just great.
[The prison guard comes up from behind him and hits him]
Ernest P. Worrell: I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss! After all, I do have a living to earn.
Prison guard [Crossly]: Now look, Nash...
Ernest P. Worrell: My name is Worrel. Ernest P. Worrel.
Prison guard: Oh, Mister Funny-Man, huh? Yeah, Mister Funny-Man. You'll think funny when you're tapping to the tune of 2-20, son!
[Throws him into his cell]
Ernest P. Worrell [Remarking to his cell-mates]: That is the rudest bailiff I have ever seen in my life.
[Note: One person mentioned isn't a separate character; instead, it's a role played by a character. "Auntie Nelda" refers to Ernest dressed up as an elderly woman to try and fool the gate guard.]

Ernest P. Worrell: You see that guy?
Prison guard: Yeah, so?
Ernest P. Worrell: He's not on the jury duty, because this man is a prisoner!
Prison guard (Thinking Ernest is Nash): Ugh! I oughta throw in the hole for that Nash!
Ernest P. Worrell: The hole?
Prison guard: Yeah! The hole!
Ernest P. Worrell: The hole like, like in "Solitare the Hole" Like, in a real prison? Like in real, really, really, really, really real prison? The hoose-gow, the slammer, the joint, Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing, Oh no. I'm in... I'm in... jaaaaaaaaaa-jail-jail-jail!
Prison guard: (laughs sternly)
[Note: The three ["jail"]'s following his yelling refers to echoes that are heard after the camera has panned far out.]

Rubin Bartlett: [Thinking Ernest is Nash] Did you miss me, Mister Nash?
Cell Guard: Close C-12!
Ernest P. Worrell: You, you know I'm not Nash!
Rubin Bartlett: Of course you are! Ernest!

Ernest P. Worrell: So, it's come to this. A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life. But it's as it should be. It's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it as it lays. Oh, I'm not going to cry because life's thrown me a curve. I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes when French fries is what I really wanted. It's time for me to step up to the plate, belly up to the bar! It's time for me to look fate square in the eye, flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath! It's time for me to lie down with lions so I can soar with the eagles! All right! I'm ready! Come and get me! Let's do it!
Prison guard: Come on Nash, it's time!
Ernest P. Worrell: Oh, oh. I don't wanna die!