Duplex quotes

View Quote [Reading a dictionary entry] 'Macaw: any long tailed, brightly-colored parrot.' A macaw is a parrot, I knew it!

View Quote It's horrible. My parents read this magazine. Now they know my penis is called Mr. Peabody!

View Quote She just manipulated me somehow. She's very crafty. She's a crafty old... lady.

View Quote Besides, how can I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person. Her little butt boy. I mean, I got a lot of duties, honey. She might need me to go out and count grapes with her, or help her fix her heater, or go take her to the laundry, or I got to go help her clean her banana skins, or I got to go clean out her garbage, and I got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or go and wipe her ass! God forbid she have any shit hanging off her ass! Because then I have to run up there double time like a little bunny, and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I have to go wipe her little ass and then I have to say "Oh, good for you, Mrs. Connelly. Good for you for having such a nice little poopie. What's that? You've got some poopie on your diapey? Well let me clean it off -- with my tongue!"

View Quote Hello, Mr. Peabody!

View Quote It's a pea****!

View Quote Are those musical instruments?

View Quote We forgot to christen the apartment.

View Quote What was she doing?

View Quote She puts on this sweet voice. "Nancy, could ya help meh, eh? I think I've found the leavings of a mouse!" Boo, hoo, hoo! As if she didn't know it was a raisin!

View Quote We'll finally be happy!

View Quote [Muffled sound of Mrs. Connelly's very loud TV] I saw myself in the mirror and I thought it was my mother's tush.

View Quote Tara: God, you're such a good squeezer, Nancy.

View Quote Herman: I don't want it tickety boo, I want it tickety now!

View Quote Officer Dan: It's my experience that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis.