Lesley: They'll never let you perform naked, I asked.

Tammy: Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me".

(The thresher she's on blows up)
Annette: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant.

Amber: Mom! Mom! Mom!
Firefighter: You family?
Loretta: Oh no, she's just screaming "Mom, Mom" 'cause she's got Tourettes. She's Annette's kid, dipshit.

Amber: Nice, Becky, she's anorexic.
Becky: She's skinny Amber, not deaf!

Amber: This is bullshit.
Iris: Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.
Amber: Good. Because this isn't an American Teen Princess pageant. This is.. this is.. this is.. Nazi Germany! (storms off)
Iris: Where do they get this stuff?

Becky: I'm so excited. I mean, I won. I'm a winner. And I'm going to State.
Gladys: She's a winner. And we're going to State!

Candy Striper: Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how about some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down.
Loretta: D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass?

Gladys: Wait, wait, wait. I think I just thought of a theme... "Proud to be an American".
Interviewer: So what was the theme of the pageant last year?
Gladys: Oh, that was "Buy American".
Interviewer: And the year before that was?
Gladys: "USA's A-OK"
Interviewer: And can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?
Gladys: Can I? "Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this, I don't know, maybe it's a gift from God, or something.

Gladys: You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye.
Lester: Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye.
Gladys: Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.
Lester: Yeah, yeah, the Jew.
Becky: Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

Hank: I want a big bag of little donuts.

Iris: It's a $200 fine.
Gladys: I told you I'd move the car if a cripple came. Now, just run in the store and pick out some outfits.

John Dough: Well, you know, we'll, uh, compare scores and figure out a winner. 'Cause, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet. I have no idea who Jean picked... or Harold... no idea.
Hank: I know who the winner is, I know who the winner is... Harold, I know who the winner is.
John: God damn, that's it. Shut your Goddamn mouth.

Terry Macey: And you are?
Amber: Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Terry: Funny, you don't look dead.

Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.