Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

Nora Wells: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

Tommy Kotter: [at a funeral] It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shit-faced.

Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast-off time.

Cop: Are you okay?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.

Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.

Reporter: How does it feel to be the most hated man in America?
Randolph: In this country full of neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor.
Reporter 2: Nora Wells says you have an unhealthy obsession with Mopes.
Randolph: I barely know that bitch, okay? And she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She spreads like cream cheese for Sheldon.
Reporter 3: What about the rumors that you're mentally imbalanced?
Randolph: Who the fuck said that?! That's bullshit. I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been.

Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

Sheldon: So remember kids, a step-dad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?
Kids: 9-1-1!
Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat's right!

Tommy Kotter: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

[As Randolph and Buggy dangle from a ceiling catwalk]
Randolph: Let go of me you FUCKING JUNKIE
[As Buggy loses his grip]
Buggy: I never saw Venice

[Merv gets kidnapped by the mob]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I only did it to help the children!
Tommy Kotter: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy Kotter: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy Kotter: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.

[after being assaulted by Tommy and her henchmen] All right, that's it, you bloodsucking freaks! I'm suing your Riverdance act! Have you all shipped back home, eh?!

[after getting egged] I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!