Media quotes

Reporter: Are these people alive or dead?

Official: [pause] We don't know.
Press Secreatry: The president has direct contact with the CDC and head of FEMA. No further quest-OH MY GOD!

Ana: The bleeding is not going to stop on its own. I need to suture his arm.
CJ: What are you, a ****ing doctor?
Ana: No, I'm a ****ing nurse.

CJ: Yeah? And how do you know they're not ****ed up like everybody else out there?
Ana: Well, for one thing, they're driving a truck. [Distant gunfire] Oh, and shooting guns.

[On the roof, some of the survivors are playing "Hollywood Squares" by having Andy shoot zombies who resemble celebrities.]
Steve: Oh, oh... uh, Rosie O'Donnell! Tell him to get Rosie.
Kenneth: Yeah, Rosie.
Tucker: Nah, too easy. Give him something hard.
Ana: You guys had rough childhoods, didn't you? Kind of rocky?

Steve: Hey, sweetheart, let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. If I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor. Blow my ****ing head off.
Ana: Oh, yeah, you can count on it.

[Three armed security guards don't want company in the shopping mall.]
CJ: Find someplace else.
Michael: Look, we just need a place--
CJ: Maybe you didn't hear me.
Michael: There is no place else.
CJ: Well, that's tough shit, 'cause this is our place, and you can't stay here.

CJ: Okay. Come out of there slowly, and hand your weapons to Bart and Terry.
Kenneth: Don't do it!
Andre: You must be out of your ****ing mind.
CJ: Then you can take your ass over to Quality Inn if it's still there, Shaq! Huh? Want to do that?

CJ: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Where do you think you're going?
Andre: She's not going anywhere alone.
CJ: Oh, "She's not going any --" This is a ****in' nursery school! Terry, go with 'em.

Michael: So, what's the plan?
CJ: The plan is, you drink a nice tall glass of shut-the-****-up!

Terry: You can't just turn them away, CJ. You'll kill them.
CJ: Tough shit. Self-defense.

Bart: Want to hear something that really sucks? You guys know that, that chick at Dairy Queen?
CJ: The fat one?
Bart: Yeah. She was coming over tonight. I would have tapped that shit for sure.
Terry: Bart -- dude, everybody's dead, okay? Your mom's dead. Your brother's dead. That fat chick at Dairy Queen… dead.
Bart: Yeah. That sucks too.

[Kenneth and Ana meet three other survivors traveling the opposite direction.]
Michael: You do not want to go that way.
Ana: What's that way?
Michael: Officer? Sir? You do not want to go that way.
Ana: What's that way?
Michael: It's pretty bad.
Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor?
Andre: Maybe if you had wings. The road's thick with those mother ****ers that way.
Kenneth: How do you know?
Andre: We just tried.
Michael: ..Back when there were eight of us. [pause] We're going to the mall.

Andre: Now, you're the type of cat who goes to church and all that kind of shit, right?
Kenneth: Yeah. I do all that kind of shit.
Andre: So what you think, hmm? What is this? Is this the end of times? 'Cause if it is, I'm telling you, I'm ****ed. No, I'm serious. I've done some bad things in my life, man.
Kenneth: Oh, I get it. You saw hell yesterday, and now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what: go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.

Andre: Hey, my man... I hear you talking' a lot, you know, you're always saying' something... Who the **** are you, that we should listen? Were you, like, in a special ops unit? You in the marines? What the **** do you do?
Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy.
Andre: Hey, officer! How do you like following a guy that sells TVs?
Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone. I'm going to Fort Pastor to get my brother.

Michael: That truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.
Steve: No, forget it. That place is ****ed, man. Bloodbath city.
Norma: We just came from there.
Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?
Steve: Dead-ish.
Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?!
Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all sort of, uh, fell down, and then...got up, and...started eating each other.

Ana: It's nice to see you busting your ass.
Steve: Oh, that's sarcasm. That is so awesome. You know, I would love to help, but the captain never works alongside his men.
[Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then makes a cracking sound, like a whip]
Steve: Well, you guys have a good one.
Ana: What a total dick.

Michael: Look, there's no point in arguing about this, all right? We need a solution. We-we need to get some food over there.
Steve: Okay, uh, I have an idea. We, uh, we draw straws, and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.
Ana: Could you be a bigger prick?
Steve: Probably, but that's irrelevant.

Ana: [after covering the body of the fat lady] Anybody know her name?
[silence]
Tucker: Died without a name? Damn..

CJ: I ain't going anywhere without a gun.
Michael: You're not getting a gun.
CJ: Trust. The primary ingredient in any relationship.
Michael: [tosses him an axe] Have at 'em, cowboy.
CJ: Asshole.

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