Midnite: [laughing, to John, regarding Chas] Take him, John. Kill him after.

Midnite: [to Hugh] I heard thunder last night. Must have been Satan's stomach growling.

Midnite: [shouts] You know the rules of my house. [normal voice] While here you will abide by them.

Balthazar: [after being shot by a projectile of John's Tommy-gun] Fire! I was born of this!

Balthazar: Word is... you're going down. Fresh meat. [puts fingers in his mouth, hisses, and leans forward] Finger lickin' good.

Balthazar: [as he chokes John to death] Don't fight it, Johnny boy, enjoy it.

Chas Kramer: This is Kramer. Chas Kramer. Asshole.

Chas Kramer: [last words] You're right, John. It's not like in the books.

Chas Kramer: [To Midnite's knocked-out bouncer] Who's the rat in a dress now, bitch?

Gabriel: You're going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15... and you're going to go to hell because of the life you took. [pause, Gabriel leans in] You're fucked.

Beeman: [his last lines] I know you never had much faith, John, you never had much reason to. But that doesn't mean we never had any faith... in you.

Father Hennessy: Hey, John, I think I found you one.

Possessed Girl: "Papatayin Natin Sila" She is speaking in Tagalog (Philippine National Language). In English: "We will kill them."

John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry asses straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would YOU do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?

Satan: You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
John Constantine: So I've heard.

John Constantine: I need you to leave...
Angela Dodson: Okay. [heads for her room]
John Constantine: ...the apartment.
[waits for her to leave and looks down at cat]
John Constantine: God I hate this part.

Angela Dodson: [asking Constantine to hold elevator] Hold the door, you're going down.
John Constantine: Not if I can help it.

Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.

Gabriel: [holding a tommy-gun against his chest] You want revenge? Go ahead. I deserve it. Pull the trigger.
John Constantine: [takes the gun and punches Gabriel, who feels pain for the first time as a mortal] That's called pain, get used to it.
Gabriel: [smiling] You could have shot me, John. You chose a higher path.
[Constantine walks out]
Gabriel: [shouting after Constantine] Look how well you're doing!

Angela Dodson: My sister was murdered last night.
John Constantine: Sorry to hear.
Angela Dodson: Thanks. She jumped off the the roof of a building.
John Constantine: I thought you said she was murdered.
Angela Dodson: Yeah well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine: Of course. What kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.

John Constantine: [regarding Satan's son] He's in there with Gabriel.
Satan: No accounting for taste.

Gabriel: I shall smite thee, in His honour.
Satan: [Gabriel attempts to punch Lucifer, but is unable] Looks like someone doesn't have your back anymore.

Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't try anything.

Chas Kramer: Why would you do that when you know this isn't my car, John?
John Constantine: I told you to move the car.
Chas Kramer: Yeah, but if you'd told me you were going to drop a three-hundred pound mirror with a pissed-off demon in it, I would have moved it further, John!

Angela Dodson: [Angela is about to transport into Hell via bathtub and has taken off her jacket] So, is this good, or do I have to take off the rest of my clothes?
[pause]
Angela Dodson: John?
John Constantine: I'm thinking...

Gabriel: [Gabriel sits on top of John Constantine, explaining her rebellion] You're handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator - murderers, rapists, molesters - all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It's not fair.
[Gabriel leans closer to Constantine's face]
Gabriel: If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. But it's only in the face of horror that you truly find your noble self, and you can be so noble. So... I will bring you pain, I will bring you horror.
[Gabriel lifts up Constantine from his collar]
Gabriel: So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who will survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.
John Constantine: Gabriel, you're insane!
Gabriel: [smiles] The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.
[Gabriel blows gently, sending Constantine crashing to the door]

Chas Kramer: When am I going to stop being your slave, John?
John Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas, you're my much appreciated apprentice, just like Robin, or Tonto, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend. [ this is probably reference to Don Quixote and Sancho Panza or Laurel and Hardy, or perhaps Abbott and Costello, or Jay and Silent Bob — or any and all "skinny fellows with a fat friend"]

Midnite: [as he is strapping John into the electric chair] Are you sure this isn't about a girl?
John Constantine: This is definitely mostly not about the girl.
Midnite: [While John is strapped in the electric chair] Are you sure about this?
John Constantine: No.
[Midnite electrocutes him, John screams]

John Constantine: How's the family?
Satan: Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.

John Constantine: [to a room full of demons] Hi, my name's John, you are in violation of the balance, leave now or you will be deported. All of you. [no reaction]
John Constantine: [John stands on a chair] Go to hell.
Ellie: [John ignites a lighter and places it under a fire-detector, holy water sprinkles down] Holy water?
[The demons' flesh burns and they scream in agony]

Gabriel: Son of perdition. Little horn! Swine! Most unclean!
Satan: [nostalgic] I do miss the old names.

Angela Dodson: I don't believe in the devil.
John Constantine: You should. He believes in you.

Balthazar: What are you doing?
John Constantine: I'm reading you your last rites.
Balthazar: Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine: You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven, I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
Balthazar: You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine: Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shit hole. Okay, Bally, enjoy it. [Balthazar relents]
[after Balthazar gives him the information]
John Constantine: By the way... you have to ask for absolution to be forgiven ... asshole.