Cher Horowitz: Daddy, did you ever have a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?
Mel Horowitz: Tell me the problem, and we'll figure out how to argue it.
Cher Horowitz: I like this boy....
Mel Horowitz: Yes
Cher Horowitz: And he likes someone else.
Mel Horowitz:How could that be?
Cher Horowitz: I don't know, but I feel wretched!
Mel Horowitz: Well, obviously this boy is a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fellow like that.

Murray Duvall: You almost had sex with who?
Cher Horowitz: Christian.
[Murray cracks up]
Dionne Davenport: What?
Murray Duvall: Yo, look! Are you bitches blind or something? Your man Christian is a cake boy.
Dionne Davenport and Cher Horowitz: A what?
Murray Duvall: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar-Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy.... Ya know what I'm saying? He's gay.

Dionne Davenport: (screams) No! What have you done?! Oh my God! Cher, look! Look what's he done to his head! Can you believe this? Why did you do that to your head!
Murray Duvall: 'Cuz I'm keepin' it real!
Dionne Davenport: What?!
Murray Duvall: I'm keepin' it real! Ai'ight? Look at Lawrence's head?
Lawrence: It's the bomb.
Murray Duvall: You know what I'm sayin'? You look good.
Lawrence: As will you.
Dionne Davenport: What do you care what he thinks, Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you! That was a big mistake! What am I gonna do with you now?! And right before the yearbook pictures! What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?! You know what? Okay. That's it!
Murray Duvall: (mocking) That's it!
Dionne Davenport: You wanna play games?
Murray Duvall: (still mocking) You wanna play games?
Dionne Davenport: I'm calling your mother!
Murray Duvall: I'm calling your mo- what?! No, no, no! Don't call my moms!

Cher Horowitz: Tai, how old are you?
Tai Fraiser: I'll be sixteen in May.
Cher Horowitz: My birthday is in April and, as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
Dionne Davenport: Do you see the distinction?
Tai Fraiser: (clearly confused) Yeah.

Cher Horowitz: But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh? I mean, he's like a school nerd.
Tai Fraiser: What, am I some sort of a mentally challenged airhead?
Cher Horowitz: No! Not even! I didn't say that.
Tai Fraiser: What, I'm not good enough for Josh or something?
Cher Horowitz: I.... I just don't think you mesh well together.
Tai Fraiser: YOU don't think that WE mesh well?! Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.
Cher Horowitz: .... That was way harsh, Tai.

Cher Horowitz: Oh, she's a full on Monet.
Tai Fraiser: What's that?
Cher Horowitz: You see, it's like the painting see, from far away it's okay, but up close it's a big ol' mess.

(to step-brother Josh) So, the flannel shirt deal -- is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

Cher Horowitz: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
Lucy: I not a Mexican! [storms out]
Cher Horowitz: What was that about?
Josh Lucas: Lucy's from El Salvador.
Cher Horowitz: So?
Josh Lucas: That's an entirely different country.
Cher Horowitz: What does that matter?
Josh Lucas: You get angry if somebody thinks you live below Sunset.

So, okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair, ew, and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!

Amber Mariens: Miss Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne Davenport: Well, there goes your social life.

Cher Horowitz: (about Tai) Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl. She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her.
Dionne Davenport: She is to' up! Our stock would plummet.
Cher Horowitz: Dee! Don't you wanna use your popularity for a good cause?
Dionne Davenport: No.

Cher Horowitz: [looks at Dionne's hat] Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Dionne Davenport: [picks up Cher's backpack] Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.
Cher Horowitz: It's faux!

Dionne Davenport: Hello! There was a stop sign.
Cher Horowitz: I totally paused.

Dionne Davenport: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
Cher Horowitz: Duh, it's like a famous quote.
Dionne Davenport: From where?
Cher Horowitz: Cliff's Notes.

Mr. Wendell Hall: .... Uh, Amber, rebuttal?
Amber Mariens: Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.
Cher Horowitz: Hello! It was his fiftieth birthday!
Amber Mariens: [does "W" hand motion] Whatever! If she doesn't do her assignment, I can't do mine.