Mr. Green:: Does the FBI make a habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?
Wadsworth: Yes! Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Mrs. White: He was deranged, he was... lunatic. He didn't seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared!
Mrs. White: Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never RE-appeared!
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Cop: This man is drunk. Dead drunk!
Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
Cop: You're not going to drive home, are you?
Prof. Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll...we'll...we'll get him a car!
Prof. Plum: A long black car!
Miss Scarlet: [Elbows him in ribs.] A limousine!
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something.
Wadsworth: [Dismissively] Ah yes, the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Prof. Plum: Well, ladies first.
Mrs. Pea****: No, no, no. You go first.
Prof. Plum: No, I insist.
Mrs. Pea****: No, I insist.
Prof. Plum: Well, what are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?
Mrs. Pea****: No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Yvette: Go on. I'll be right behind you.
Mr. Green:: That's why I'm nervous.
Mrs. White: Oh no! Nobody can get into that position!
Prof. Plum: Sure they can, let me show you. [Climbs on top of her.]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Mr. Boddy: What are they all doin' here?
Wadsworth: Eating dinner.
Mr. Green: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?!
Cop: Let me out of here! Let me out, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty...and MURDER!
Wadsworth: [Opens door.] What do you mean - murder?
Cop: I just said that so you would open the door.
Wadsworth: Help yourself to a drink, if you like. Not the cognac, just in case.
Cop: Just in case of what?
[Col. Mustard looks into the study.]
Col. Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Pea****: Everything all right?
Col. Mustard: Yep, two corpses, everything's fine.
Mrs. White: Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?!
Prof. Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?
Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.
Prof. Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.
Col. Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
Mrs. Pea****: [hysterically] Oh, who cares, that guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up, for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES, IN THE STUDY!
All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Mr. Green: Well, he couldn't have been dead.
Prof. Plum: He was! At least I thought he was. But, what difference does it make now?
Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him!
Col. Mustard: Which room's this?
Miss Scarlet: Search me.
Col. Mustard: Okay. [He proceeds to pat Miss Scarlet down like some kind of masher.]
Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me!
Mr. Green: I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know, so I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: No.
Col. Mustard: So there is someone else in the house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said 'no' meaning 'yes'.
Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer: is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
Wadsworth: Um...no.
Col. Mustard: "No" there is? Or "no" there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Col. Mustard: Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in the house.
Wadsworth: I told you there isn't.
Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anyone else?
Wadsworth: Either! Or, both.
Col. Mustard: Look, would you just give me a clear answer?
Wadsworth: Certainly! What was the question?
Col. Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house?!
All: NO!!!
Colonel Mustard: There's very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.
Prof. Plum: Pairs?
Col. Mustard: Yes.
Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! Suppose that one of us is the murderer. If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with the killer might get killed!
Colonel Mustard: Then we will have discovered who the murderer is!
Mrs. Pea****: But the other half of the pair would be DEAD!
Colonel Mustard: This is war Pea****! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that!
Mrs. Pea****: But look what happened to the cook!
Miss Scarlet: Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Prof. Plum: Oh yeah? [Takes a pen and notepad from his pocket] What's the phone number?
[from the third ending]
[Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth, who reveals himself to be Mr. Boddy]
Mr. Boddy: Good shot, Green!
[Wadsworth slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]
Mr. Boddy: Oh, VERY good...
[Dies.]
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
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