Clerks II

Clerks II quotes

63 total quotes (ID: 819)

Becky
Dante Hicks
Elias
Emma
Jay
Other
Randal Graves
Silent Bob


Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this because you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: [To Dante] You just had to tell him, didn't you?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day.
Randal Graves: He says it's so big, it's almost like a little ****; which says all sorts of things about him that I don't even want to think about.
Dante Hicks: You wouldn't want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next stop's a guy with an undersized dick.


Becky: Are you out of your ****ing mind?
Randal: What? What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say "Porch Monkey"?
Becky: Oh, I don't know. Since forever!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because "Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!
Randal: No, it's not! "****" is!
Dante: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a ****?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal: I didn't just call Dante a ****. I just said that "****" is a racial slur.
Dante: So is "Porch Monkey"!
Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, mooley, jigaboo, nig-nog--those are racial slurs! "Porch money" isn't!

Randal Graves: Let me tell you something; if Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, then he would've ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias: What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah, friend...enlighten us.
Randal Graves: When ****in' Frito wakes up from his coma or whatever, and all the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed, then Sam leans in through the doorway and gives him that very ****ing gay look.
Elias: NOT the Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this!
Hobbit Lover: I am going to kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your ****ing mouth.
Randal Graves: That look was so gay I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his ****ing ****. Now that would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey, ****, they're not gay. They're hobbits.
Randal Graves: And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam ****in' flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Dante: What are you writing over there anyway? Your memoirs?
Randal: I'm battlin' this jackass on his blog's message board.
Dante: About what?
Randal: About how he's got too much free time and no life.
Dante: Says the guy who's flaming him on his website.
Randal: I can't help it, the guy pisses me off. It's this **** in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how "he'll never walk again" and how "walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs."
Dante: That diatribe as you call it sounds like some poor cripple guy pouring out his heart and feelings.
Randal: Oh, **** him, man! Trying to guilt me into walkin' around more because he's all gimped out. What kind of mind-**** is that shit? So I've been getting into it with him, throwin' it back in his stupid crippy boy face about how I love to just sit around and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.
Dante: The guy's in a wheelchair!
Randal: Yeah, that's why I called him "crippy boy."

Randal Graves: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy; they're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: Oh. My. God.
Randal Graves: What?
Dante Hicks: Are you serious?
Randal Graves: I don't **** around when it comes to ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth!
Randal Graves: It's never my idea. These young chicks today get all horned up and they tell you to go ass-to-mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth, Randal!
Randal Graves: You sound like my mom. [To Becky, who has just walked in] Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?
Becky: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: You've never gone ass-to-mouth?
Dante Hicks: You never go ass-to-mouth.
Becky: I've never gone ass-to-mouth.
Randal Graves: Not even once?
Becky: Not even ever.
Randal Graves: You're both so repressed. [To Becky] Look, I know you've given a blow job, right?
Becky: [Sigh] I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal Graves: That's a "yes". [To Dante] And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point?
Randal Graves: Well, when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts of your lover, you kiss them, right? That's just like going ass-to-mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
Randal Graves: [Scoffs] And?
Becky: Have you restocked all the napkin holders?
Randal Graves: That's an Elias job.
Becky: That comparison of pink and browneyes just made it a Randal job.
Elias: Zing!
Randal Graves: Shut the **** up, Go-Bot!

"Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!

Concerned Father: Don't look at his wee-wee.
Gawking Guy: That's not very hygenic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.
Sexy Stud: Hey ****o! We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Lance Dowds: Go-bots are like the K-Mart Transformers.
Lance Dowds: Randal Graves, you work here too? Jesus, anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Husband: Baby, you can't taste racism!
Sexy Stud: Ooh, cake!
Elias: [After recieving an order for onion rings] One ring to rule them all.
Lord Of The Rings Fan: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, 'cause he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? (in a robotic monotone): "Danger, danger, my name is Anakin, my shitty act is ruining saga."

Becky: [Teaching Dante how to dance] Ok, now we need some music.
[Walks to the side of roof]
Becky: Hey! Twelve Step! Jay!
Jay: [Looks up, puzzled] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass!
Jay: What the **** are you doin' up there? Yo, if you're going to jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first. Lemme find out.
Becky: You still have your boombox?
[Silent Bob nods and shows it to her]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up. Something danceable.
[to Dante]
Becky: Ok, just wait for the music.
[King Diamond begins to play]
Jay, Silent Bob: [Headbanging and mosh dancing]
Becky: Something a little less demonic please!

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No, sir. They are not a gift from God; they are an unholy curse from The Beast We Call The Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really wanna hear this, Randal.
Randal Graves: [approaches Elias slowly] The First of The Fallen, The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
Randal Graves: [grabs the drive-thru microphone] Let me help you outta your chair, grandma!
Jay: [jumps in through Drive-Thru window behind Elias, scaring him] Grandma, what was it like/To be on that holiday site?
Randal Graves: Late at night, I awoke from my--
Jay: Sleep/Hearing unknown voices--
Jay/Randal: Laughing insane!
[Elias tries to run away, but the headset, still attached to his ears, yanks him back and slams him hard to the ground]

Would you **** me?... I'd **** me... I'd **** me hard...

Randal Graves:: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard that I made this supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias go clean it up?
Dante Hicks: In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah...I'd be the first mother****er to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form...and **** it. And people'd be like..."There he goes; homeboy ****ed a Martian once."

Randal: So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly before the show or what?
Sexy Stud: Nah.
Sexy Stud: Kelly likes privacy before show time. But after the show, if you want, for an extra $500, you can **** Kelly.
Randal: Really? Sweet.
Sexy Stud: Yeah. So, where we doing this thing?
Randal: Oh, right inside the restaurant.
Sexy Stud: You're kidding.
Randal: Not spacious enough?
Sexy Stud: No, it's plenty spacious. Just kind of weird, isn't it?
Randal: Kind of weird? You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Sexy Stud: Hey, ****-o! We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal: Intriguing.

Becky:: I had to serve a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal Graves: I've served your brother, too. Neh.

Elias: I've turned down chicks left and right!
Randal Graves: Your chicks are your left and right.