Dante: What are you writing over there anyway? Your memoirs?
Randal: I'm battlin' this jackass on his blog's message board.
Dante: About what?
Randal: About how he's got too much free time and no life.
Dante: Says the guy who's flaming him on his website.
Randal: I can't help it, the guy pisses me off. It's this fuck in a wheelchair that's always preying on everyone's sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how "he'll never walk again" and how "walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs."
Dante: That diatribe as you call it sounds like some poor cripple guy pouring out his heart and feelings.
Randal: Oh, fuck him, man! Trying to guilt me into walkin' around more because he's all gimped out. What kind of mind-fuck is that shit? So I've been getting into it with him, throwin' it back in his stupid crippy boy face about how I love to just sit around and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.
Dante: The guy's in a wheelchair!
Randal: Yeah, that's why I called him "crippy boy."

Concerned Father: Don't look at his wee-wee.
Gawking Guy: That's not very hygenic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.
Sexy Stud: Hey fucko! We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Lance Dowds: Go-bots are like the K-Mart Transformers.
Lance Dowds: Randal Graves, you work here too? Jesus, anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Husband: Baby, you can't taste racism!
Sexy Stud: Ooh, cake!
Elias: [After recieving an order for onion rings] One ring to rule them all.
Lord Of The Rings Fan: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, 'cause he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? (in a robotic monotone): "Danger, danger, my name is Anakin, my shitty act is ruining saga."

Randal Graves: Let me tell you something; if Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, then he would've ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias: What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah, friend...enlighten us.
Randal Graves: When fuckin' Frito wakes up from his coma or whatever, and all the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed, then Sam leans in through the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
Elias: NOT the Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this!
Hobbit Lover: I am going to kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Randal Graves: That look was so gay I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot, they're not gay. They're hobbits.
Randal Graves: And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fuckin' flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Becky: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Randal: What? What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say "Porch Monkey"?
Becky: Oh, I don't know. Since forever!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because "Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!
Randal: No, it's not! "Nigger" is!
Dante: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal: I didn't just call Dante a nigger. I just said that "nigger" is a racial slur.
Dante: So is "Porch Monkey"!
Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, mooley, jigaboo, nig-nog--those are racial slurs! "Porch money" isn't!

Becky: [Teaching Dante how to dance] Ok, now we need some music.
[Walks to the side of roof]
Becky: Hey! Twelve Step! Jay!
Jay: [Looks up, puzzled] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass!
Jay: What the fuck are you doin' up there? Yo, if you're going to jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first. Lemme find out.
Becky: You still have your boombox?
[Silent Bob nods and shows it to her]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up. Something danceable.
[to Dante]
Becky: Ok, just wait for the music.
[King Diamond begins to play]
Jay, Silent Bob: [Headbanging and mosh dancing]
Becky: Something a little less demonic please!

Randal Graves:: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard that I made this supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias go clean it up?
Dante Hicks: In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this because you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: [To Dante] You just had to tell him, didn't you?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day.
Randal Graves: He says it's so big, it's almost like a little cock; which says all sorts of things about him that I don't even want to think about.
Dante Hicks: You wouldn't want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next stop's a guy with an undersized dick.

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No, sir. They are not a gift from God; they are an unholy curse from The Beast We Call The Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really wanna hear this, Randal.
Randal Graves: [approaches Elias slowly] The First of The Fallen, The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
Randal Graves: [grabs the drive-thru microphone] Let me help you outta your chair, grandma!
Jay: [jumps in through Drive-Thru window behind Elias, scaring him] Grandma, what was it like/To be on that holiday site?
Randal Graves: Late at night, I awoke from my--
Jay: Sleep/Hearing unknown voices--
Jay/Randal: Laughing insane!
[Elias tries to run away, but the headset, still attached to his ears, yanks him back and slams him hard to the ground]

Becky:: I had to serve a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal Graves: I've served your brother, too. Neh.

Alright, look. There's only one Return, ok, and it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.

Oh, then man, you must love this fucking guy 'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. 'I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me.' And the fucking insane part is he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-fucking-Frank can see that she's nuts about him, God knows why. And she likes you for who you are man, she ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous fucking C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd fucking stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep, and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you fucking ass.

"Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!

Dante Hicks: Ow!
Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked!
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

[to Elias] Then you must be as blind as Anne Frank, because what's the point of having an internet connection if your not using it to look at weird fucked up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

My Grandmother wasn't racist...although she did once refer to a broken beer bottle as a "nigger knife".