"Porch Monkey" is a racial slur against black people!

[to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you...in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me.

...Lord? (after hearing Becky who was on the rooftop)

I got nothin'.

I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll!

Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this because you have an unnaturally large clit?
Emma: [To Dante] You just had to tell him, didn't you?
Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day.
Randal Graves: He says it's so big, it's almost like a little cock; which says all sorts of things about him that I don't even want to think about.
Dante Hicks: You wouldn't want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves: No, 'cause the next stop's a guy with an undersized dick.

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: No, sir. They are not a gift from God; they are an unholy curse from The Beast We Call The Desolate One.
Elias: I don't really wanna hear this, Randal.
Randal Graves: [approaches Elias slowly] The First of The Fallen, The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal!
Randal Graves: [grabs the drive-thru microphone] Let me help you outta your chair, grandma!
Jay: [jumps in through Drive-Thru window behind Elias, scaring him] Grandma, what was it like/To be on that holiday site?
Randal Graves: Late at night, I awoke from my--
Jay: Sleep/Hearing unknown voices--
Jay/Randal: Laughing insane!
[Elias tries to run away, but the headset, still attached to his ears, yanks him back and slams him hard to the ground]

Elias: I've turned down chicks left and right!
Randal Graves: Your chicks are your left and right.

Randal Graves: Let me tell you something; if Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, then he would've ended the third one on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.
Elias: What's the logical closure point?
Hobbit Lover: Yeah, friend...enlighten us.
Randal Graves: When fuckin' Frito wakes up from his coma or whatever, and all the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed, then Sam leans in through the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
Elias: NOT the Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this!
Hobbit Lover: I am going to kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Randal Graves: That look was so gay I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot, they're not gay. They're hobbits.
Randal Graves: And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fuckin' flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Becky:: I had to serve a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal Graves: I've served your brother, too. Neh.

Becky: [Teaching Dante how to dance] Ok, now we need some music.
[Walks to the side of roof]
Becky: Hey! Twelve Step! Jay!
Jay: [Looks up, puzzled] Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass!
Jay: What the fuck are you doin' up there? Yo, if you're going to jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first. Lemme find out.
Becky: You still have your boombox?
[Silent Bob nods and shows it to her]
Becky: Play something and turn it way up. Something danceable.
[to Dante]
Becky: Ok, just wait for the music.
[King Diamond begins to play]
Jay, Silent Bob: [Headbanging and mosh dancing]
Becky: Something a little less demonic please!

What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?

You never go ass to mouth!

You ever see a chick give a mule a blowjob?

Shit! Now where am i gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home? (After the QuickStop burned down)