Dr. Wilbur Wonka quotes

Lollipops. Ought to be called 'cavities on a stick'!

Let's see what the damage is this year, shall we?

Candy is a waste of time.

Do you have an appointment?

All these years... and you haven't flossed.

Grandpa Joe: I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for him, you know.
Charlie Bucket: You did?
Grandma Joesephine: He did.
Grandpa George: He did.
Grandma Georgina: I love grapes!
Grandpa Joe: Of course, I was a much younger man in those days.

Prince Pondicherry: [about his chocolate palace] It is perfect in every way.
Willy Wonka: Yeah, but it won't last long. You better start eating right now.
Prince Pondicherry: Oh, nonsense! I will not eat my palace. I intend to live in it.

Charlie Bucket: [about the chocolate factory] But it didn't close forever, it's open right now.
Mrs. Bucket: Ah yes, well, sometimes when grown-ups say "forever" they mean "a very long time".
Grandpa George: Besides, I feel as though I've eaten nothing but cabbage soup forever.
Mr. Bucket: Now pops...
Charlie Bucket: There must be people working there.
Grandma Josephine: Think about it, Charlie. Have you ever seen a single person going into that factory? Or coming out of it?
Charlie Bucket: No. The gates are always closed.
Grandpa Joe: Exactly.
Charlie Bucket: But then, who's running the machines?
Mrs. Bucket: Nobody knows, Charlie.
Mr. Bucket: It certainly is a mystery.
Charlie Bucket: Hasn't someone asked Mr. Wonka?
Grandpa Joe: Nobody sees him anymore. He never comes out. The only thing that comes out of that place is the candy. Already packed and addressed. I'd give anything in the world just to go in one more time and see that what's become of that amazing factory.

Mike Teavee: All you had to do was check the manufacturing dates, offset by weather and separate by the Nekei index. A retard could figure it out.
Mr. Teavee: Most of the time, I don't know what he's talking about. Kids today with all the technology...
Mike Teavee: [To his video game] DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!!!
Mr. Teavee: ... It doesn't seem like they stay kids very long.

[After the puppet show opening bursts into flames]
Willy Wonka: [clapping] Ha ha ha, wasn't that just magnificent? I thought it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but that finale...Wow!
Violet Baeuregarde: Who are you?
Grandpa Joe: He's Willy Wonka!
Charlie Bucket: Really!
Willy Wonka: Good morning starshine, the Earth says hello! [takes out flash cards] Greetings. Welcome to my factory. I shake you warmly by the hand. My name is Willy Wonka.
Veruca Salt: Then shouldn't you be up there? [points to stage]
Willy Wonka: Well, I couldn't very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?
Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.
Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?
Grandpa Joe: No, sir.
Willy Wonka: Wonderful, welcome back. Lets get a move on, shall we?
Augustus Gloop: Don't you want to know our names?
Willy Wonka: Couldn't see how it wouldn't matter.

Violet Beauregarde: [hugs Wonka] Mr. Wonka. I'm Violet Beauregarde.
Willy Wonka: [freaks out] Oh... I don't care.
Violet Beauregarde: Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl that's going to win the special prize at the end.
Willy Wonka: Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key.
Veruca Salt: I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir. [does a curtsy]
Willy Wonka: I always thought a verruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot. Haha.
Augustus Gloop: [eating a candy bar] I'm Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate.
Willy Wonka: I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common. [to Mike] You, you're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked the system. [to Charlie] And you, well you're just lucky to be here, aren't you? [to their parents] And you must be their...p- p...
Mr. Salt: Parents?
Willy Wonka: Yeah! Moms and dads.

Veruca Salt: Let's be friends.
Violet Beauregarde: Best friends.
[both turn away, obviously hating each other]

Mr. Teavee: Is it just me, or does Mr. Wonka seem a few quarters short of a buck?
Mr. Salt: I'm sorry, I don't speak American.

Willy Wonka: An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory.
Mike Teavee: Then why's the door so small?
Willy Wonka: That's to keep all the great big chocolatly flavor inside.

Willy Wonka: People! Those pipes suck up the chocolate and carry it away all over the factory. Thousands of gallons an hour. Yeah. And do you like my meadow? Try the grass. Please have a blade, please do. It's so delectible and so darn good looking.
Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?
Willy Wonka: Of course you can. Everything in this room is eatible. Even I'm eatible. But that is called 'cannibalism', my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Charlie Bucket: [asking about Violet's gum] Why hold onto it? Why not start a new piece?
Violet Beauregarde: Because then I wouldn't be a champion. I'd be a loser. Like you.

Willy Wonka: [After the Augustus Gloop song] Bravo! Well done! Well done! Aren't they delightful? Aren't they charming?
Mr. Salt: I do say, that all seemed rather rehearsed.
Mike Teavee: Like they knew it was going to happen.
Willy Wonka: Oh, poppy****.

Willy Wonka: THAT pipe... it just so happens to lead directly to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry flavored chocolate coated fudge.
Mrs. Gloop: Then he will be made into strawberry flavored chocolate coated fudge, they'll be selling him by the pound all over the world...
Willy Wonka: No. I wouldn't allow it. The taste would be terrible. Could you imagine Augustus flavored chocolate coated Gloop? Eww. No one would buy it.

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka, why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song unless they...
Willy Wonka: [interrupts] Improvisation is a parlor trick, anyone can do it. [turns to Violet] You, little girl, Say something. Anything.
Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.
Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross / chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.
Mike Teavee: No, it isn't.
Willy Wonka: Uh, you really shouldn't mumble because I can't understand a word you're saying.

Charlie Bucket: [as the group moves on from the Chocolate Room] Are the Oompa Loompas really joking, Grandpa?
Grandpa Joe: Of course, they're joking. That boy will be fine.
[just before they walk off, Grandpa Joe's smile turns to a grim expression]

Violet Beauregarde: What's so funny?
Willy Wonka: It must be from all those dog-gone cocoa beans. By the way, did you guys know that chocolate releases a property which triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.
Mrs. Beauregarde: [flirtily] You don't say?

Willy Wonka: Here, try some of this. It'll do you good. You look starved to death.
Charlie Bucket: [Drinks some of the chocolate] It's great.
Willy Wonka: That's because it's mixed by waterfall. The waterfall is most important. It mixes the chocolate. Makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes-
Veruca Salt: [interrupts] You already said that.
Willy Wonka: You're all quite short, aren't you?
Violet Beauregarde: Well, yeah. We're children.
Willy Wonka: Well, that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.
Mike Teavee: You were once.
Willy Wonka: Was not! Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: Caramels. They get stuck in your braces, wouldn't they? Lollipops. What we call "caivities on a stick"! And all this... all this... chocolate! You know, just last week, I was reading in a very important medical journal that some children are allergic to chocolate... makes their noses itch.
Little Willy Wonka: Maybe I'm not allergic. I could try a piece.
Dr. Wilbur Wonka: Really? But why take a chance? [burns the candy his son brought home]

Charlie Bucket: We're heading for a tunnel.
Willy Wonka: Oh yeah. Full speed ahead.

Mrs. Beauregarde: What do you use Hair Cream for?
Willy Wonka: To lock in moisture, haha. [primps his hair]

Willy Wonka: [about the three-course-dinner chewing gum] I've tried it on like twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!
Mrs. Beauregarde: [after Violet has turned into a blueberry] But, I can't have a blueberry for a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?
Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair.
[Mrs. Beauregarde looks at Veruca viciously]

Mike Teavee: What's the special prize and who gets it?
Willy Wonka: The best kind of prize is a sur-prize! Haha.
Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry?
Willy Wonka: No... maybe... I dont know. But that's what you get for chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting.
Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
Willy Wonka: Once again, you really shouldn't mumble because it's kinda starting to bum me out.

Mr. Salt: [sees the Nut Sorting Room] Ah, here's a room I know all about. You see, I myself am in the nut business. [gives Wonka his business card. Wonka flings it away without looking at it] Do you use the Hammermax 4000 to do your sorting?
Willy Wonka: No. Haha. You're really weird.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels, I want one!
Mr. Salt: Veruca dear, you have many marvelous pets.
Veruca Salt: All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle, and a silly old hamster! I WANT a SQUIRREL!
Mr. Salt: All right, pet. Daddy will get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can.
Veruca Salt: But I don't want any old squirrel! I want a trained squirrel!
Mr. Salt: [wearily] Very well. Mr. Wonka, how much do you want for one of those squirrels. Name your price.
[Veruca smiles]
Willy Wonka: Oh they're not for sale. She can't have one.
Veruca Salt: [her smile drops to an angry expression] Daddy!
Willy Wonka: [imitating Mr. Salt] I'm sorry, darling. Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.
Veruca Salt: If you won't get me a squirrel, I'll get one myself!

Mr. Salt: [asking about the squirrels taking Veruca] Where are they taking her?
Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go. Down the garbage chute.
Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go!?
Willy Wonka: To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.
Mike Teavee: Today IS Tuesday.
Willy Wonka: Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today...

Mike Teavee: Why is everything here completely pointless?
Charlie Bucket: Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.
Mike Teavee: It's stupid! [Dr. Wilbur Wonka voice-over] "Candy is a waste of time!"
Dr. Wilbur Wonka: No son of mine is going to be a chocolatier!
Little Willy Wonka: Then I'll run away! To Switzerland, Bavaria! The candy capitals of the world!
Dr. Wilbur Wonka: Go ahead. But I won't be here when you come back!

Mike Teavee: You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. DUH!!! Second, the amount of energy it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs.
Willy Wonka: MUMBLER!!! Seriously. I cannot understand a single word you're saying.

Willy Wonka: Oh thank Heaven, he's completly unharmed.
Mr. Teavee: Unharmed!? What are you talking about!?
Mike Teavee: Just put me back in the other way!
Willy Wonka: There is no other way, it's teleVISION not telePHONE, there's quite a difference.
Mr. Teavee: Then what exactly do you propose to do about it?
Willy Wonka: I don't know, but young men are extremely springy, they stretch like mad... [gasps] Let's go put him in the taffy puller!
Mr. Teavee: [horrified] Taffy puller!?
Willy Wonka: Hey! That was my idea! Boy, is he gonna be skinny.

Mrs. Gloop: Augustus, please don't eat your fingers!
Augustus Gloop: But I taste so good.

Violet Beauregarde: [after stretching into a pretzel shape] Look mother, I'm much more flexible now.
Mrs. Beauregarde: [disapprovingly] Yes, but you're blue.

Veruca Salt: Daddy! I want a flying glass elevator!
Mr. Salt: [sternly] Veruca, the only thing you're going to get today is a bath, and that's final!
Veruca Salt: [looks at her father angrily] But I WANT it!
[Her father looks angrily back at Veruca]

Grandma Georgina: Things are going to get much better.
Narrator: And for once, Grandma Georgina knew exactly what she was talking about.

Willy Wonka: [Getting his shoes shined by Charlie, with a paper in his face] Pity about that chocolate maker-- Wedle... um... Walter...
Charlie Bucket: Willy Wonka.
Willy Wonka: That's the one. Says here that his candies aren't selling very well. But I suppose he's just a rotten egg who deserves it.
Charlie Bucket: Yep.
Willy Wonka': Oh, really. Ever met him?
Charlie Bucket: I did once. I thought he was great at first. But then he didn't turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut.
Willy Wonka: [Throws his paper down] I do not!
Charlie Bucket: Why are you here?
Willy Wonka: I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
Charlie Bucket: My family. What have you got against my family?
Willy Wonka: It's not just your family, it's the whole idea of... [balks] You know they're always telling you what to do, what not to do. It's not condusive to a creative atmosphere.
Charlie Bucket: Usually, they're just trying to protect you, because they love you. If you don't believe me, you should ask.
Willy Wonka: Ask who? My father? Ha! No way. At least, not by myself...
Charlie Bucket: Do you want me to go with you?
Willy Wonka: Hey! Hey what a great idea! Yeah! [jumps up] And you know what? I brought a transporta-- [bangs into the glass elevator] I have to watch where I park this thing.

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: Do you have an appointment?
Charlie Bucket: No, but he's overdue.

Dr. Wilbur Wonka: I haven't seen bicuspids like these since... since... Willy?
Willy Wonka: Hi Dad.
Dr. Wilbur Wonka: All these years... and you haven't flossed.
Willy Wonka: Not once.

Grandma Georgina: You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.
Willy Wonka: Thank you. You smell like... old people... and soap... I like it.

Willy Wonka: How do you feel about little raspberry kites?
Charlie Bucket: With liquorice instead of string?
Mrs. Bucket: Boys, no business at the dinner table.
Charlie Bucket: Sorry, Mum.
Willy Wonka: I think you're onto something though, Charlie.

(in the TV room) Mike Teavee: Can you send people? [reffering to the camera teleporter]
Wonka: Why would I want to do that? They don't taste very good at all.

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