Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Carl: But, seriously, no b.s...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody...You know...buddies.
Ty: I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.
Carl: What's your address? You're on Briar, right?
Ty: Briar, yeah. Number 2.
Carl: Do you have a pool?
Ty: A pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you. Natural spring water.
Carl: Anything would be good.

View Quote I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat! :"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat"... Ah ha ha ha. OK Pookie, do the honors.

View Quote I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it - felt I owed it to them.

View Quote Golfer: Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!
Bishop: You know, theoretically, I could break the Club record.
Golfer: You better come in until this blows over.
Bishop: So what do you think?
Carl: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[Bishop continues to golf in the rain, hitting amazing shot after amazing shot, with Carl admiring him the entire time. On the last hole, he misses a long putt.]
Bishop: OH RAT FARTS!!!!!
[Bishop is struck by lightning.]

View Quote Oh, Porterhouse! Look at the wax build-up on those shoes! This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off! I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now! Chop chop!

View Quote Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

View Quote Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't need to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!

View Quote Spaulding, this one calls for the old Billy Barule. Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy. This is a biggie! Don't let me down, Billy! Forty thousand dollars...Billy

View Quote What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack...at Augusta. He's at his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 Iron I think. [Swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5 iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [Swings, pulverizes another flower] That's- Oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8 iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters Champion. [Swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

View Quote Dr. Beeper: We're about to tee off now so call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 90 minutes...Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there...in four or five hours.

View Quote Danny: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty: I'm not quite sure where they are.

View Quote Czervik: You guys are brothers?
Tony: Yeah.
Czervik: Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
Tony: No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik: You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?

View Quote Spalding: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!

View Quote Carl: I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
Ty: I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
Carl: This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Ty: Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
[Starts coughing uncontrollably]
Carl: It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!

View Quote Moose...Rocco..Help the judge find his checkbook!