Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Ty: Just be the ball...be the ball...be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
Danny: It's kinda hard when you keep talking like that.
Ty: Ok, sorry. I'm not talking now...I've stopped talking...Not talking. Just be the ball.
[Danny hits the ball into the water hazard]
Danny: Where'd it go?
Ty: Right into the lumberyard.

View Quote Sandy [Scottish brougue]: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great git! Gophers, the little brown, furry rodents!
Carl: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.
Sandy: Ayye! Well do it, man!
Carl: OK, but why don't we do the same thing, but with gophers?
[Sandy storms off]
Carl: It's not my fault nobody can understand you.

View Quote Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

View Quote Lou: One announcement. Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack.
Motormouth: I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test.
Lou: However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.
Tony: He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.
Lou: Shut up! That means the caddy scholarship is available again. Anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.
Motormouth: And kiss his ass!
Lou: That would help.

View Quote Card Player: Do you have any eights?
Judge Smails: [Walking by the card table] Don't you people have homes?

View Quote Judge Smails: Get dressed Spaulding, you're playing golf today.
Spaulding: No I'm not Grandpa, I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: No, you're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spaulding: But what about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.

View Quote Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty: By height.

View Quote Judge Smails: You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

View Quote Spaulding: Turds! Double turds!
Judge Smails: How many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spaulding: Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.

View Quote Judge Smails: Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.
Lacey: Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

View Quote Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: DAMN!
Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

View Quote Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He's breaking the law!
Danny: I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.
Judge Smails: Really? What areas?
Danny: All areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes....I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Lacey: Nice try.

View Quote Czervik: You guys are brothers?
Tony: Yeah.
Czervik: Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
Tony: No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik: You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?

View Quote Bishop: I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center. Why don't you drop by some time?
Danny: I've often thought of entering the priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you, uh, Roman-Catholic?
[Danny Nods]
Bishop: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.
Lacey: Go for it.
Motormouth: You know, I've often thought about becoming a golf club.

View Quote Spalding: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!