Rawhide: [to a doctor witnessing Dr. Banzai performing brain surgery] Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize the pineal tumor without damaging the quadrigeminal plate. Subcutaneous microphones are gonna allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain.
Doctor: Like, "Raise my right arm"?
Rawhide: Or "Throw the harpoon". People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo. Buckaroo Banzai: You ever thought about joining me full-time?
New Jersey: [Excitedly] Do you have an opening?
Buckaroo Banzai: Uh huh. Can you sing?
New Jersey: A little. Yeah. I can dance... Artie Duncan: I don't care if you walked through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you play my... [distracted by someone walking past him] ...when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some music out'a you characters!
Reno Nevada: You want it, Artie? You got it. Scooter Lindley: Dad! Dad! Buckaroo's in trouble!
Casper Lindley: Say what?! Perfect Tommy: Don't embarrass us.
Buckaroo Banzai: Have I ever? [about the thermo-pod] Buckaroo Banzai: It flies like a truck.
John Parker: Good. [pause] What is a truck? [as the thermo-pod is in free-fall] Buckaroo Banzai:: Can't you fly this thing?
John Parker: I'm a diplomat! I failed flight school! General Catburd: Mr. President, I am a soldier. And I'm a damn good one. I've got enough decorations to snap a Christmas tree. All I'm trying to say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that I am scared. I'm barely holding my... fudge, right now.
Senator Cunningham: [A Woman] Stop acting like a goddamn schoolgirl, General, and pull yourself together!
President Widmark: I'm glad someone has the balls to face facts! New Jersey: Where are we?
Buckaroo Banzai: I'd hate to tell you. [New Jersey and Reno are sneaking through the lab when New Jersey notices a watermelon held in a pneumatic compression device]
New Jersey: Why is there a watermelon there ?
Reno Nevada: I'll tell you later. Scooter Lindley: [holding a Ruger Mini-14 semi-automatic rifle] Get away from that car, or I'll drink your blood!
Secretary of Defense: [nervously] Whatcha got there, son? That's not... real, is it?
[Scooter Lindley fires a round at the ceiling. The Secretary of Defense jumps back.]
Scooter Lindley: Get 'em up! Lord John Whorfin: Full speed ahead! And may I remind you, to fasten your-a seat belts, and esstinguish all smoking material.
John Bigboote: We haven't a CHANCE! Your overthruster's for SHIT! We'll lose...
Lord John Whorfin: One more WORD out of you, Bigbooty...
John Bigbote: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
[Lord John Whorfin shoots him] Mission Control Operator: Buckaroo, the White House wants to know is everything OK with the alien space craft from Planet 10 or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia?
Buckaroo Banzai: Tell him yes on one and no on two.
Mission Control Operator: Which one was yes, go ahead and destroy Russia... or number 2?

Hey, hey, hey -- don't be mean. No need to be mean. 'Cause, remember: no matter where you go... [pause] there you are.

I tell ya, if it ain't one thing, it's somethin' else.

Buckaroo, I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet 10? Nuclear extortion? A girl named "John"?

History is'a made at night! Character is what you are in the dark!

Chase One Helicopter Pilot: This is Chase One. We got his tracks, they go right up to a wall of rock! Holy shit!

Home! Home is where you hang your hat! I feel so broke up... I want to go HOME!

Announcement over Red Lectroid Spaceship PA system': We are not in the Eighth dimension, we are over New Jersey. Hope is not lost.

EVIL, PURE AND SIMPLE, FROM THE 8TH DIMENSION! GET 'EM!

Damn John Whorfin and the horse he rode in on!

...You got that honey?! John...J-O-H-N!

Announcement over Hospital PA system: Lithium is no longer available on credit.

It'a makes the ganglia TWITCH!

[To New Jersey, as they are performing brain surgery] You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that! You never know what it might be attached to.