Rawhide: [to a doctor witnessing Dr. Banzai performing brain surgery] Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize the pineal tumor without damaging the quadrigeminal plate. Subcutaneous microphones are gonna allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain.
Doctor: Like, "Raise my right arm"?
Rawhide: Or "Throw the harpoon". People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo. Buckaroo Banzai: You ever thought about joining me full-time?
New Jersey: [Excitedly] Do you have an opening?
Buckaroo Banzai: Uh huh. Can you sing?
New Jersey: A little. Yeah. I can dance... Artie Duncan: I don't care if you walked through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you play my... [distracted by someone walking past him] ...when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some music out'a you characters!
Reno Nevada: You want it, Artie? You got it. Scooter Lindley: Dad! Dad! Buckaroo's in trouble!
Casper Lindley: Say what?! Perfect Tommy: Don't embarrass us.
Buckaroo Banzai: Have I ever? [about the thermo-pod] Buckaroo Banzai: It flies like a truck.
John Parker: Good. [pause] What is a truck? [as the thermo-pod is in free-fall] Buckaroo Banzai:: Can't you fly this thing?
John Parker: I'm a diplomat! I failed flight school! General Catburd: Mr. President, I am a soldier. And I'm a damn good one. I've got enough decorations to snap a Christmas tree. All I'm trying to say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that I am scared. I'm barely holding my... fudge, right now.
Senator Cunningham: [A Woman] Stop acting like a goddamn schoolgirl, General, and pull yourself together!
President Widmark: I'm glad someone has the balls to face facts! New Jersey: Where are we?
Buckaroo Banzai: I'd hate to tell you. [New Jersey and Reno are sneaking through the lab when New Jersey notices a watermelon held in a pneumatic compression device]
New Jersey: Why is there a watermelon there ?
Reno Nevada: I'll tell you later. Scooter Lindley: [holding a Ruger Mini-14 semi-automatic rifle] Get away from that car, or I'll drink your blood!
Secretary of Defense: [nervously] Whatcha got there, son? That's not... real, is it?
[Scooter Lindley fires a round at the ceiling. The Secretary of Defense jumps back.]
Scooter Lindley: Get 'em up! Lord John Whorfin: Full speed ahead! And may I remind you, to fasten your-a seat belts, and esstinguish all smoking material.
John Bigboote: We haven't a CHANCE! Your overthruster's for SHIT! We'll lose...
Lord John Whorfin: One more WORD out of you, Bigbooty...
John Bigbote: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
[Lord John Whorfin shoots him] Mission Control Operator: Buckaroo, the White House wants to know is everything OK with the alien space craft from Planet 10 or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia?
Buckaroo Banzai: Tell him yes on one and no on two.
Mission Control Operator: Which one was yes, go ahead and destroy Russia... or number 2?
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