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Bruce Almighty

Bruce Almighty quotes

47 total quotes

Bruce
Homeless Man Signs
Multiple Characters




View Quote Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "tactical" difficulties...
View Quote Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor
Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, ****ers!
Jack: Oh boy.
Grace: Oh, my God.
View Quote Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?
...
Bruce: So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.
View Quote Bruce: I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)
Juan Valdez: Buenos días.' (good morning!)
Bruce: ¡Buenos días! (good morning!)
Juan Valdez: Disfrute un buen caf?. (enjoy a good coffee.)
Bruce: Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)
Juan Valdez: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.
View Quote Bruce: (driving the car) If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)
Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]: (car's mirror reflection starts speaking) Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!
View Quote God: 'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!
View Quote R EWE BLIND
View Quote All the greatest anchors have had their signature sign-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that's the way it was. That's the way the cookie crumbles. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
View Quote Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's... today.
[A monkey comes out of lead Thug's butt] Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them]
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
View Quote Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.
View Quote Grace: I'll be out in a minute.
Bruce: Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!
View Quote (sarcastically) Yes, let's thank God, for his blessings are raining down upon me. WAIT! THAT'S NOT RAIN!
View Quote Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?
Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!
View Quote ARMAGEDDON OUTA HERE
View Quote Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me: Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ASS off?!