Bruce Almighty

Bruce Almighty quotes

47 total quotes (ID: 104)

Bruce
Homeless Man Signs
Multiple Characters


Grace: Will you stop being such a martyr?
Bruce: I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers, and watch me squirm!


God: 'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega. Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!

God: (commenting on why he gave Bruce seven fingers) I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.
Bruce: Holy sh... cow.

Grace: Those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... todaisies.

Bruce: Bedroom?
Grace: Five minutes.

Grace: I'll be out in a minute.
Bruce: Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure...!
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace: Wow.
Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!

Evan: (in high-pitched voice) A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor demanded that... When the mayor demanded that the chief... When the mayor demanded that the chief... As a response to allegations... I'm sorry. I seem to have something stuck in my...
Director: Somebody get him some water, please.
Susan: Looks like my new co-anchor might need a glass of water. (Evan laughs in high-pitched voice)

God: It's really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this Heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
Bruce: (incredulous) I'm DEAD?!
God: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. (laughs)

Bruce: Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?
Day Care Kid: Hey, you said 'ass.'
Bruce: Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.

God: It's good.
Bruce: It's good.
Both: s'goood!

Bruce: (commenting about his actions) I was such an idiot.
Grace: It's okay.

LIFE IS JUST

THY KINGDUMB COME

ALL FOR WON

GOD BEE GOOD HONEY