Bruce Almighty

Bruce Almighty quotes

47 total quotes (ID: 104)

Bruce
Homeless Man Signs
Multiple Characters


That is perfect! That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR! I'll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.


B-E-A-utiful.

(sampling wine at he and Grace's date) It's perfect. She'll love it.

(sarcastically) Yes, let's thank God, for his blessings are raining down upon me. WAIT! THAT'S NOT RAIN!

Computer: Yahweh! You've got prayers.

Bruce: Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
Grace: How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.
Bruce: You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.
Grace: All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!
Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy!

God: In a way, I'm here to offer you a job.
Bruce: Job? What job?
God: My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers.
Bruce: Whatever you say, pal.

Bruce: (driving the car) If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. (sound of glass shatters) HOLY HELL! (pull over)
Bruce [as Clint Eastwood]: (car's mirror reflection starts speaking) Be careful what you wish for, punk. (gets out of car) No way, uh-uh, I am a reasonable, sane human being... (changes back into Clint Eastwood) with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... (yells and changes back into Bruce) I'm not Clint Eastwood. (shuts eyes) I'm Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No- (attempts to throw gun away and pulls out his Eyewitness News microphone)-lan!

Bruce: Where ya goin'?
God: I'm... taking a vacation.
Bruce: Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?
God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.

Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's... today.
[A monkey comes out of lead Thug's butt] Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
Thug #2: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them]
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

News Reporter: In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City. Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity. More on this as it develops.

Evan: (spouts angry gibberish) Doo-doo ca-ca poo-poo! (more angry gibberish) PEE-PEE! (laughs embarrased)

Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "tactical" difficulties...

Bruce: I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez! (hello, juan valdez!)
Juan Valdez: Buenos días.' (good morning!)
Bruce: ¡Buenos días! (good morning!)
Juan Valdez: Disfrute un buen caf?. (enjoy a good coffee.)
Bruce: Gracias, señor. (thank you, sir.)
Juan Valdez: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: ¡Adiós! (goodbye!)
Bruce: Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

R EWE BLIND