Moocher: [looking at Dave's beat up bike] Doesn't look that bad to me...
Dave: That's cause you don't have to ride it!
Moocher: Well, you know, you don't have to ride it either, Dave. We're not gonna beg you.
Cyril: We may plead, but we would never beg!

Moocher: [watching the college kids on campus] Sure look like they've got it made.
Mike: That's because they're rich.
Dave: Italians are poor, but they're happy.
Mike: Yeah? Maybe in Italy.

Moocher: Hey, come on in, Dave.
Dave: Nah, I read where this Italian coach said its no good to go swimmin' right after a race.
Mike: Who's swimmin'? I'm takin' a leak.

Nancy: You know what?
Moocher: No, what?
Nancy: I'm leaving home, that's what.
Moocher: What?

Raymond: [about Dave] He's never tired. He's never miserable.
Evelyn: He's young.
Raymond: When I was young I was tired and miserable.

Raymond: God-damned see-thru coffee!
Evelyn: [about Dave] He was very sickly until he started riding around on that bicycle.
Raymond: Yeah... well... now his body's fine, but his mind is gone.

Raymond: If you eat so much, Moocher, how come you're so damned small?
Moocher: Oh... It's my metabolism. I eat 3 times a day and my metabolism eats 5 times a day.

Raymond: What are we gonna do about him?
Evelyn: I don't know dear. We could always strangle him while he's asleep.

Raymond: What is this?
Evelyn: It's sauteed zucchini.
Raymond: It's I-tey food. I don't want no I-tey food.
Evelyn: It's not. I got it at the A&P. It's like... squash.
Raymond: I know I-tey food when I hear it! It's all them "eenie" foods... zucchini... and linguini... and fettuccine. I want some American food, dammit! I want French fries!

Raymond: You guys still go swimmin' in the quarries?
Dave: Sure.
Raymond: So, the only thing you got to show for my 20 years of work is the holes we left behind?

I didn't want you to be this miserable. A little bit's all I asked for.

I don't care if the second coming's coming!

I had a dream last night that everyone I ever sold a car to came back and there you were, handing them back their money!

I sure miss playing basketball. I got depressed as hell when my athlete's foot and jock itch went away.

I was proud of my work. And the buildings went up. When they were finished the damnedest thing happened. It was like the buildings were too good for us. Nobody told us that. It just felt uncomfortable, that's all.