Deleted Scene:
Mom Calls From Ireland
(phone rings, and Connor answers it)
Connor: Hello.
Mom: Connor, izzat you?
Connor: Mother, is that you?
Mom: Is that worthless brother of yours there? I want ya both to hear this.
Murphy: There's no ****ing hot water, man.
Connor: Shut it, it's Ma.
Mom: It's all your fault. Both o' ya little bastards. I was a fool to believe you'd give me any peace. The day your da left us, when you were almost too young to remember, he said the two of ya would do me right and make me proud. Well, he was wrong...and I got nothing to live for!
Connor: What are you saying? You're talking crazy here!
Murphy: What's the problem?
Mom: I finally found your da's old army revolver, Connor.
Connor: Look, Ma, what are you doing with Da's gun?
Murphy: Da's gun, what the ****?
Mom: I got it to me head now.
Connor: What the hell are you doing?
Murphy: What the ****??? (motions to Connor to tell him what's going on on the phone)
Mom: I wanna tell you one last thing before I pull the trigger.
Connor: Pull the trigger?!?! Have you lost it woman?!?! Now get ahold of yourself!!
Murphy: (runs and grabs pants) No, Ma, wait!
Connor: Listen to Connor now, I'm talking some sense into ya!!! Listen to me!!!
Murphy: Ma!! Ma!! Ma!!
Mom: I BLAME YOU!!!!!
Connor and Murphy: No! Ma! Jesus Christ, Ma! Don't ****ing pull it!! I swear to ****ing God!! Jesus Christ, Ma-
(Mom steps outside with gun and shoots it in the air, Connor drops phone)
Connor and Murphy: (scrambling after phone) Jesus ****ing Christ!! MA!! MA?!?! MA?? MA??? MA?!?!
Mom: giggles muffledly, then busts out laughing and coughing
Murphy: Christ, Ma, that was a good one.
Connor: Evil woman.
Mom: Oh, Jesus!! No, Ma, no!! Christ, Ma, no!!!
Murphy: She's quite proud of herself.
Connor: Well of course she is!
Mom: Okay, seriously I want you both to listen to me now.
Murphy: We're both here, Ma.
Connor: What is it? We're here.
Mom: It's only 11 here boys, so I got lots more drinking to do with your worthless relatives down at the Anvil.
Murphy: Just called to torture us, did ya?
Connor: Ma, how's Uncle Civial?
Mom: Well, you know how it is with him. Always complainin' he's never turning a profit on St. Patty's. Whole damn family goes down there with no money 'cause we know he can't bear to charge us. But he's been having a drink or two himself. Been up the waitress's skirt all night, poor girl.
Connor: Well, that's Uncle Civial for ya.
Murphy: You tell him to take it easy with that, Ma. He's gotta learn to respect women, the way Connor does.
Connor: Oh, Jesus.
Murphy: I gave him his first lesson in sensitivity just today, actually.
Connor: Oh, Christ, don't even say it, you little bastard!
Murphy: He got beat up by a girl.
Connor: Oh, if that was a girl, I wanna see some papers. Ma, she had to be just pre-operative, for Christ ****ing sake!
Mom: Lord's ****ing name!
Connor and Murphy: Hail Mary, full of Grace...
Mom: What'd ya do, Connor?
Connor: I tried to make friends, didn't I, and she gave me a shot to the nuts!!
Mom: Why...That dirty bitch! Well, I hope you trounced her a good one!
Connor: Well, dirty bitch is right, ya know, I did-
Murphy: Don't you worry, Ma, I respected the hell out of her for ya.
Connor: Oh, Macho Murph, ya.
Mom: Well, listen. I know how my boys take to scrappin' when they take to drinkin'.
Murphy: Yes, Mother.
Mom: I mean it now. I carried the two of ya little bastards around in my belly at the same time, ya ungrateful piss-ants! You ruined my girlish figure in one fell swoop, and then ya sucked me dry. My tits are hanging down to my ankles! I'm trippin' over them for Christ's sakes so you listen to me. No fightin'.
Connor: Yes, Mother.
Mom: Promise me, boys.
Murphy: We promise.
Connor: We promise, Mother.
Mom: Well, there's my boys. Oh shit! Gotta go. Looks like I caused a ruckus with that shot, half the damn neighborhood's coming.
Murphy: Alright. Love ya, Ma. Hey, listen, before you go, just give us the goods, huh, Ma? Please?
Connor: Hey come on now, Ma, it's been 27 years.
Mom: Ah, still bickerin' over that, huh?
Connor: Well, of course we are, now out with it. Come on, now, tell us: who came out first?
Mom: Alright. I suppose ya have the right to know. Are ya ready?
Connor: Go on!!
Murphy: Yeah!
Mom: The one with the bigger ****. (erupts into laughter and hangs up the phone)
Connor: What? What the **** is that? That's your ****ing mother talking like that!
Murphy: That's your ****ing mother.
Connor: ****in' hell!
(Murphy looks at the naked Connor walking off to get his beer and grins)
Connor: (looks down) Don't even ****in' start. I've had ice on mine, alright? ****.
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