Chazz Michael Michaels quotes

"This is my brother!! And this is my brother's new girlfriend. And she is NOT a whore!!"

"Think of it as a boob handshake.... between me and your lady's boo -- look, that's not coming out right, just call me back so I can explain, okay?? It's me, Chazz."

Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck!

"I'll get inside your face."

[The title of a book of poetry he published] "Let Me Put My Poems In You."

"We didn't even get to second base.... well, maybe I did...."

"Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating... BOOM!!"

"They carve it out of illegal whale bone."

"I see you still look like a 15 year old girl, but not hot!!"

"If we went to a Halloween party as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me."

"I swear to god, if you cut my head off...."

"That, young man, is how babies are made!!"

"Can one of y'all pass me a biscuit??" [While running on a treadmill]

"Throw me some chicken!!" [While running on a treadmill eating a biscuit]

"No exaggeration, I couldn't love a human baby as much as I love this brush."

"For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows."

"Okay, but start up there at the crotch.... that's a better access point."

"Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole."

"Hey, Nancy Kerrigan?? You an official here?? Because you have officially given me a boner. I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear."

"It's not gonna matter cuz' you're flat in front like Ken!!"

"How'd it go with your lady?? Carve up any ice.... with your wiener??"

"Personal philosophy -- clothing optional."

"It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out there on the ice."

"Hey, I was on Quaaludes, I don't even remember Oslo. But I remember Boston.... and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named."

"They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them."

"I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, 'Hey, I've got a third ball.'" [vomits]

"Damn it. I just threw up in here people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion!! In fact we all are -- oh, encore -- " [vomits]

"Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!" [vomits]

"Don't make me kill her!!"

"...I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women..."

"I am never satisfied. It's a curse."

"We love you, Denver!! City by the bay.... John Denver!!"

"SNOWFLAKE!!"

"Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from Hell, okay?? We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott."

"Troubled childhood?? If you call being a nine year old kid with a thirty-five year old girlfriend troubled."

[Leaving a message on Jimmy's answerphone] "Hey, turdface. I've just taken every single one of your teddy bears and I've stuffed them down my pants!!"

"Was it good for you, Stockholm?? 'cause it was good for me, let's have a smoke!!"

" These guys put the bone in Zamboni"

"Hi!.......YIKES.........sorry......."

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