Billy Madison quotes

32 total quotes

Billy Madison
Clown
Game show host
O'Doyle Family

View Quote Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

View Quote Whoa, whoa whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for his pupppy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits? You get your ass out there, and you find that ****ing dog!

View Quote 3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants! Everyone my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES! You ain't cool...unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH! That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go.

View Quote O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis is the best game ever made.
Billy Madison: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is better.
O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy Madison: Wanna know somethin'? You suck!

View Quote Billy Madison: You want some of this milk?
Veronica Vaughn: That milk belongs to that classroom.
Billy Madison: But they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.
Billy Madison: Now that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.

View Quote Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ace. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...Him and her *got it on*! Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh?

View Quote Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

View Quote Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

View Quote Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! [He notices a gold swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop looking at me, swan!

View Quote Lunch Lady: Here ya go! Have some more Sloppy joes. I made'em EXTRA sloppy for ya's; I know you's kids like 'em sloppy.
[The lunch lady laughs evilly.]
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us!

View Quote Eric is pregnant!! Congratulations Big Fella!!! He's gonna be a soccer player! Yes he is! Yes he ii-iiiis.

View Quote 3rd Grader: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
Billy Madison: Kid can't even read.
Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!

View Quote I choose Business Ethics.

View Quote I can see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words... I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn... Sooo hot... Want to touch the hiney... Ruff!

View Quote Billy Madison:(Faking sickness so he can skive off of school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp) I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison:(Sounding disgusted) Oh, my God, I'll go to school.