Ted: [to himself] 1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted: [to lady] Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady: I don't know. I just work here.

Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.
Bill: This is, uh, Dave Beeth Oven.
Beethoven: Sie sind so schön, Madame.
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy, Herman the Kid...
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan, Dennis Frood, So-crates Johnson, and, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
Miss Preston:[completely oblivious] It's so nice to meet you all. There are sodas in the fridge.

Ted: Where are we, Rufus?
Rufus: Austria, 1805. The French have just invaded.
Ted: Whoa, Bill, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude!

Ted: Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked your mom to the prom?
Bill: Shut UP, Ted!

[an early morning jam]
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Bill, Ted: And we are... WYLD STALLYNS!

[Bill And Ted Hug]
Both: Fag.

[Bill and Ted meet their future selves]
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted from future: 69, dudes!
Bill, Ted: Whoa.

[in classroom]
Mr. Ryan: Who was Joan of Arc?
Bill: Noah's wife?
Mr Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr Ryan: Yes, son, stand up.

[Napoleon has finished his ice cream]
Waiter #1: All behold! He ate the Pig, thus proving that he's...
Waiter #2: A...
Waiters: Zyggie Piggy! Zyggie Piggy! Zyggie Piggy!

[Napoleon is about to enter a waterslide]
Napoleon: Qu'est-que c'est ça?
Waterslide Attendant: Buddy, you're holding up the line!
Napoleon: Sacre bleu.
Waterslide Attendant: Come on, buddy!

[Napoleon is using Risk figures to show his plans to invade Russia]:
Ted: ...I don't think it's going to work.
Napoleon: No?
[Napoleon slams his ruler on the map furiously]:
Napoleon: Triomphe Napoleon!

[future Ted to himself] Ted! Don't forget to wind your watch!

[Last line] They do get better.

[putting on his sunglasses] Gentlemen... we're history.

[responding to Freud's invitation to examine him] Oh, no thanks, I just have a slight Oedipal complex.