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Beavis and Butthead Do America

Beavis and Butthead Do America quotes

53 total quotes





View Quote Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
Bus Driver: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!
Beavis: KICK YOUR ASS!
View Quote Beavis: Yeah, this is her.
Little Old Lady: Oh, she looks lovely.
Beavis: I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh... you know, heh heh, get down.
Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
Little Old Lady: Tired? Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear. I have just the thing for ya. Here, take a couple of these. They perk me right up.
Beavis: Thanks. Tastes like crap. What else ya got?
Little Old Lady: Oh, go right ahead. Help yourself.
Butt-head: So, uh, huh huh... goin' to Las Vegas?
Girl: Hi. We're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.
Beavis: Piccata. Titicaca....
Man: Excuse me? Does the gumbo have corn in it?
Beavis: I am Cornholio. I need piccata for my bung-hole.
Girl: You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
Beavis: Are you threatening me? My bung-hole will not wait. Bungholio.
Butt-head: Uh, hey, I got a beer. Want some?
Pilot: Get the hell out of the ****pit!
Butt-head: Huh huh, you said...
Pilot: Now!
View Quote Agent Fleming: Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.
Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
Agent Fleming: That's better. Yes?
Agent Bork: We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.
View Quote Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?
Butt-head: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
Butt-head: Butt dumpling.
Beavis: Turd burglar.
Butt-head: Uhhh... ass goblin.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-head: Uh, yep.
Beavis: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.
Butt-head: [giggles] Tool.
Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
View Quote Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.
Butt-head: Cool. I gotta take a dump. [they go inside confession booths]
Butt-head: Uh... Where's the toilet? [in a church confession booth]
Man: I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?
Beavis: A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.
Man: Um, now?
Beavis: Yeah. Do it. [the man hits himself]
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.
View Quote Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam? You know, god damn. You know?
Hoover Dam Guide: If you'll follow me this way.
Butt-head: This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Beavis: Yeah. Enough of this crap. Whoa. Check it out, Butt-head, TV!
Butt-head: Cool.
Man #1: I gotta hit the head. Can you get me some coffee?
Man #2: All right.
Agent Flemming: Talk to me, Bork.
Agent Bork: Chief, we found a witness that says he saw 2 teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly before we arrived.
Agent Flemming: Did you give him a full cavity search?
Agent Bork: Uh... the witness?
Agent Flemming: Yes. You can never be too careful, Bork.
Agent Bork: Well, sir, I didn't really think it was necessary. You see, we have a picture of them from the elevator security cam. Here. Have a look.
Agent Flemming: What the hell?
Agent Bork: They look like a couple of kids, Chief.
Agent Flemming: Bork, don't you realize what kids today are capable of? Don't you read the papers? What the...?
View Quote Muddy: You guys are late.
Butt-head: Really? Did we miss Baywatch?
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]
Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?
Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.
Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy. Now, look, I'm gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.
Butt-head: Uh, do her?
Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?
Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.
Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!
Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
Beavis: Really? Cool.
Butt-head: Uh, we'll do it, sir.
Muddy Grimmes: Well, all right, then. Let's get down to business. [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
Butt-head: Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.
Muddy Grimmes: She's holed up in her room in Las Vegas. I got you a room right next to hers. Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on. I'll drive you to the airport.
View Quote [Getting back on the bus]
Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.
Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.
Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
Dallas Grimmes: You boys better show up.
Agent Flemming: Do you see what I see, Bork?
Agent Bork: I see it. I just don't get it.
Agent Flemming: You got half the state looking for you. How do you get away?
Agent Bork: Cut to power!
Agent Flemming: Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real pros here. My opinion: terrorists. What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Agent Bork: Well, sir, it's not good. Roll the tape. The X-5 unit is a new top-secret biological weapon - a man-made virus, the deadliest known to man. It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days. Here's what happened when it was tested on a group army recruits. Look at these guys, Chief. This thing is a veritable Doomsday device.
Agent Flemming: Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
Agent Bork: It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished. It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard enough, it could break open, releasing the virus.
Agent Flemming: OK, people, as of right now, these are the most dangerous men in America. I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
View Quote Agent Flemming: Well, look what we have here. You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.
Dallas Grimmes: You don't have anything on us, and you know it.
Agent Flemming: Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct? Maybe indecent exposure. Here's what's gonna happen. One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.
Muddy Grimmes: That's where you're wrong, boy. Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...
Dallas Grimmes: He stole the unit! Said he put it in some kid's pants.
Muddy Grimmes: Why you damn LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED-- HEY! TAKE IT EASY! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR...
View Quote David VanDriessen: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head: What a dork.
Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.
Beavis: No, it wasn't.
Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.
View Quote Tom Anderson: [driving by in his camper trailer] Something wrong, Officer?
ATF Agent: [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent: You saw these two?
Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent: [speaking on his walkie-talkie] This is post 9; I have positive ID.
Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya that.
ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Tom Anderson: Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–
ATF Agent: [points a gun at Tom Anderson] NOW!!
Tom Anderson: Now, wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the one been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I gonna tangle.
Agent Flemming: Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. Something tells me he could be involved.
Tom Anderson: What in the hell--now wait just a minute!
Agent Bork: Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, express airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?
Agent Flemming: Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.
View Quote Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Butt-head: Cool.
Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.
View Quote Agent Bork: They're not on the bus.
Agent Flemming: These people know something. I want full cavity searches--everyone. Go deep on 'em
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.
View Quote Butt-head: [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.
Beavis: [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now.
Butt-head, Beavis: Uh-huh-huh-huh.
Senators: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
View Quote Beavis: [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
Butt-head: Uh?, Okay.
Beavis: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!