Beavis and Butthead Do America quotes
53 total quotes
View Quote
Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
Bus Driver: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!
Beavis: KICK YOUR ASS!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
Bus Driver: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!
Beavis: KICK YOUR ASS!
View Quote
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head: What a dork.
Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.
Beavis: No, it wasn't.
Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.
Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!
Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*
Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.
Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."
Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.
David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.
Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.
David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?
Butt-head: What a dork.
Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.
Beavis: No, it wasn't.
Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.
View Quote
Tom Anderson: [driving by in his camper trailer] Something wrong, Officer?
ATF Agent: [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent: You saw these two?
Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent: [speaking on his walkie-talkie] This is post 9; I have positive ID.
Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya that.
ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Tom Anderson: Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–
ATF Agent: [points a gun at Tom Anderson] NOW!!
Tom Anderson: Now, wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the one been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I gonna tangle.
Agent Flemming: Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. Something tells me he could be involved.
Tom Anderson: What in the hell--now wait just a minute!
Agent Bork: Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, express airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?
Agent Flemming: Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.
ATF Agent: [holds up a picture of Beavis & Butt-head] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Tom Anderson: Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.
ATF Agent: You saw these two?
Tom Anderson: I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.
ATF Agent: [speaking on his walkie-talkie] This is post 9; I have positive ID.
Tom Anderson: Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys, I'll tell ya that.
ATF Agent: Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.
Tom Anderson: Well now, wait a minute. Me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington D.C., and–
ATF Agent: [points a gun at Tom Anderson] NOW!!
Tom Anderson: Now, wait right there. You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars. They're the one been whackin'. I find anything broken in there, you and I gonna tangle.
Agent Flemming: Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart, full cavity searches all around. Something tells me he could be involved.
Tom Anderson: What in the hell--now wait just a minute!
Agent Bork: Chief, this just came in. Two days ago, express airways had a disturbance by someone calling himself "Cornholio." Guess who matches the description?
Agent Flemming: Finally, a real break. Get me that flash point of origin. We're gonna kick some ass.
View Quote
Muddy Grimes: Well, I'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words before I kill you?
Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again: boobs.
Muddy Grimes: I'm gonna blow ya both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!
Butt-head: Cool. Whoa. Hey, Beavis, that's that dude who's paying us to do his wife.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Um, can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, you know, um... heh heh. You know.
Muddy Grimes: Washington? That's where she's gonna meet up with you? You know, I just might need you boys, after all. All right. Get in the trunk. Both of you. NOW!!
Butt-head: Boy, it sure is hard to score.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again: boobs.
Muddy Grimes: I'm gonna blow ya both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!
Butt-head: Cool. Whoa. Hey, Beavis, that's that dude who's paying us to do his wife.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Um, can you just take us to Washington? We're gonna meet her there and, you know, um... heh heh. You know.
Muddy Grimes: Washington? That's where she's gonna meet up with you? You know, I just might need you boys, after all. All right. Get in the trunk. Both of you. NOW!!
Butt-head: Boy, it sure is hard to score.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
View Quote
Concierge: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...
Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.
Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...
Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.
Beavis: [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there. [Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]
Butt-head: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff? [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Uhh, check it out, Beavis. I wonder where this goes. Uh... Whoa. I think I hear a chick.
Beavis: Really? Cool! Neat!
Dallas Grimmes: [Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them] Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?
Beavis: Hey Butthead it's her!
Butt-head: Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh.
Dallas Grimmes: [****s the gun] You got two seconds!
Butt-head: Uh, is that going to be enough time?
Dallas Grimmes: [grabs him and pulls him up to her] Who sent you?
Butt-head: Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah! [laughs]
Dallas Grimmes: Muddy, son of a bitch! Hold it. What's he paying you?
Butt-head: Uh... 10, uh... [Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
Dallas Grimmes 10 grand? [scoffs] Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.
Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.
Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...
Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.
Beavis: [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there. [Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]
Butt-head: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff? [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.
Beavis: Yeah, really.
Butt-head: Uhh, check it out, Beavis. I wonder where this goes. Uh... Whoa. I think I hear a chick.
Beavis: Really? Cool! Neat!
Dallas Grimmes: [Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them] Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?
Beavis: Hey Butthead it's her!
Butt-head: Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh.
Dallas Grimmes: [****s the gun] You got two seconds!
Butt-head: Uh, is that going to be enough time?
Dallas Grimmes: [grabs him and pulls him up to her] Who sent you?
Butt-head: Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah! [laughs]
Dallas Grimmes: Muddy, son of a bitch! Hold it. What's he paying you?
Butt-head: Uh... 10, uh... [Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]
Dallas Grimmes 10 grand? [scoffs] Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.
Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
View Quote
Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.
View Quote
Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.
Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.
View Quote
Butt-head's Dad: Hey, one of you bas**** got a match?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.
Butt-head: Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.
View Quote
Butt-head: [dying in the desert] Whoa, I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes. [shows Beavis and Butt-head from infancy to now, sitting on the couch, giggling and watching TV] Whoa. My life was cool.
View Quote
Butt-head's Dad: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you want to see something really cool? [farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]
Beavis: FIRE!
Beavis: FIRE!
View Quote
[checking out Chelsea Clinton]
Butt-head: Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.
Butt-head: Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.
View Quote
Butt-head: Whoa, cool. Hey, can I have a gun, too?
View Quote
Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV, Tom.
Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.
Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.
Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.
Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.
View Quote
Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?
Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Butt-head: Cool.
Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.
Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.
Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?
Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.
Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.
Butt-head: Cool.
Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.
Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.
Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.
View Quote
Little Old Lady: Yoohoo! Travis and Bob Head! Hello!