[Max Shreck meets the Penguin for the first time]
Penguin: Hi.
[Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max: [to himself] My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
[The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
Penguin: Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max: [regains confidence] Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
[Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
Penguin: Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max: [regarding the umbrella] Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
Penguin: No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max: Well it's not working--
[Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm]
Penguin: [cackles] You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
[He indicates a hole up to the surface]
Penguin: Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max: [skeptical] And exactly why am I gonna help you?
[One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
Penguin: Ah, what have we here?...
[He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
Penguin: First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max: [not worried] That could've come from anywhere.
Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Penguin: [grins] Good idea...
[He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
Penguin: ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"...
[He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand]
Penguin: [scarily cheerful voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
[Max considers briefly]
Max: You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
[He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max: Actually, it's a lot like that.
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Penguin: Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.
Josh: There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
Penguin: It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh: (to himself, confused) Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
[After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
Penguin: My babies... they missed me...
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald--
Penguin: [knocks him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
one of Penguin's men: I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
(Penguin shoots him)
Penguin: No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)
Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.
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