Mike Lowrey: [to the White Carjacker holding a gun to his head] Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops.
White Carjacker: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I SUCK! That's why I need your car.

Mike Lowrey: Hello?
Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors.
Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're negros.
Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them.
Marcus Burnett :[In high pitched voice] We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar...?

Mike Lowrey: Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car?
Marcus Burnett: Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this.
Mike Lowrey: What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday.
Marcus Burnett: I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.

Mike Lowrey: Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.
Marcus Burnett: Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.

Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you doin'?
Marcus Burnett: Keepin' my shit quick.
Mike Lowrey: Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.

Mike Lowrey: You know what man? I'm so sick of this bullshit. What, I'm supposed to APOLOGIZE for my family leaving me money? All I EVER wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck EVERYBODY that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey.
Marcus Burnett: I love you, man.
Mike Lowrey: Fuck you Marcus.
Marcus Burnett: I do. You're cool. You're my boy.
Mike Lowrey: Shut up, shut up Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin' like a bitch. Slow-ass.
Marcus Burnett: Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this fuckin' cliff if you keep fuckin' with me. Then it'll be what, two bitches in the sea. Huh, is that it? Is that what you want?
Mike Lowrey: Shut up, Marcus.
Marcus Burnett: My wife knows I ain't no bitch. I'm a bad boy.

Stake-out crook: Watching the place was my first gig.
Detective Sanchez: Oh, so does that make you union?

Store Clerk: [pointing gun at Mike] I blow you! [points gun at Marcus] And I blow you!
Marcus Burnett: Blow me? What the fuck? Naw, naw.

Theresa Burnett: And you don't even have your wedding ring on. [Slams bedroom door shut]
Marcus Burnett: Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover. And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket 'cos that's where it was and it's right back on baby. [sighs] Damn. Can I get a pillow?

Theresa Burnett: Oh oh. Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night. Move.
Quincy Burnett: Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night?
Mike Lowrey: Whooo. Did I. Let me tell you, this girl was...
Theresa Burnett: Hey hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories.
Mike Lowrey: Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.
Marcus Burnett: Hey.
Theresa Burnett: Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas.
Marcus Burnett: Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you.

[Cell phone rings, Casper answers it]
Casper: Hello.
Mike Lowrey: Yeah, can I speak to Romeo?
Casper: No, there ain't no Romeo here, asshole.
[Ferguson laughs]
Casper: [to Ferguson] What the fuck are you laughing at?

[Driving the "ice-cream truck"]
Marcus Burnett: What am I smellin'?
Mike Lowrey: Just drive!
Marcus Burnett: What am I smellin'?
Julie Mott: [Sees barrels hanging in the back of the van. Reads the label] Ether. Extremely... flammable... ether. Oh shit!
Mike Lowrey: God-damn...
Marcus Burnett: Oh, you-you-you-you da man. Oh you're the fuckin' man tonight! You go and pick an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!

[Mike, Marcus, and Julie start arguing, nobody paying attention to his gun; Julie just walks out]
Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch!
[as he points the gun her way, in a flash Mike and Marcus stop arguing and point their guns at his head]
Mike Lowrey: YOU freeze, bitch!
Store Clerk: Oh shit, I'm fucked.
Mike Lowrey: Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus Burnett: And some Skittles.

[on Captain Howard and Captain Sinclair, having another vicious argument] They should just bone and get that shit over with.

[to Fletch] If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the fuck out.