As Good as It Gets

As Good as It Gets quotes

41 total quotes (ID: 47)

Carol Connelly
Frank Sachs
Melvin Udall
Simon Bishop


Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but you're that pissed that so many others had it good.


Melvin: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?
Nora: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Melvin: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Zoe: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

Carol: So what are you doing with a dog?
Melvin: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
Carol: You're not worried someone might take it?
Melvin: Well not until now for Christ sake!

How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

Melvin: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
Carol: What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.

Carol: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.
Melvin: I'm sorry, but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am.
Carol: I'm not kidding.
Melvin: Okay. Anything else?

Carol: ****ing HMO! Bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly: Carol.
Carol: I'm Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

Where do they teach you to talk like that? Some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day and a last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here.

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere ya little piss-ant mop!

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon: Sure.
Melvin: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon: Melvin.
Melvin: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--
Simon: You consider your life easy?
Melvin: Alright. I give you that one.

Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

Never interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body, and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're gonna faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David. And you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock, not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?