Zoe: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

Melvin: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?
Nora: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Melvin: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Carol: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.
Melvin: I'm sorry, but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am.
Carol: I'm not kidding.
Melvin: Okay. Anything else?

How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

Melvin: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
Carol: What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

Carol: So what are you doing with a dog?
Melvin: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
Carol: You're not worried someone might take it?
Melvin: Well not until now for Christ sake!

Melvin: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon: Sure.
Melvin: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon: Melvin.
Melvin: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--
Simon: You consider your life easy?
Melvin: Alright. I give you that one.

[To Melvin] Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

Carol: Fucking HMO! Bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly: Carol.
Carol: I'm Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

I like Simon! And I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again. In the meantime, I'm gonna try to think of some way you can make it up to him. I hate doin' this! I'm an art dealer! Have a nice day.

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Simon: I love you.
Melvin: I tell ya, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.

Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere ya little piss-ant mop!