Teddy quotes

CHAAARGE!!!

I shall be in my office vetoing some bills.

Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Mortimer: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
Dr. Einstein: [agonizing] How can anybody be so stupid!

Elaine: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
Mortimer: One thing at a time!

Mortimer: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls — all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
Elaine: [adoring] Yes, Mortimer.
Mortimer: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
Elaine: [adoring] No, Mortimer.
Mortimer: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]

Teddy Brewster: I must be catching cold.
Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.

Rev. Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
Abby: Oh, no.
Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Abby: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it.
Martha: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.

[Discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve.
Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve — don't brag.
Jonathan: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein: Phoenix?
Jonathan: The filling station...
Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh!
[Dr. Einstein draws a finger across his throat]
Dr. Einstein: Yes.
Jonathan: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend.
Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!

Mortimer: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy: Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy: Rooster!
Mortimer: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy: Crows.
Mortimer: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy: On the veldt!
Mortimer: There you are: crows — veldt!
Teddy: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.

Mortimer: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
Abby: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.

Elaine: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.
Mortimer: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?
[He pushes her out and slams the door]

[after finding the dead body in the window seat]
Mortimer: But — what happened to him?
Martha: [cheerfully] He died.

Teddy: Mr. Witherfork!
Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon!
Mortimer: [hands him spoon] Oh, here you go.

Elaine: But, Mortimer — Niagara Falls.
Mortimer: [distracted] It does? Well, let it.

Jonathan: Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.
Elaine: Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan: Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar—
Jonathan: I am Jonathan Brewster!

Jonathan: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy: I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy: No, you're not Wilson, but your face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now — perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.

Mortimer: [Speaking of a character in a play he has seen] He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied — the big dope!
Dr. Einstein: You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.

Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
Mr. Witherspoon: [offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!

Mortimer: You mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

Dr. Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.
Jonathan: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!

Mortimer: Teddy's killed a man, darlings!
Martha: Oh, nonsense!
Mortimer: But there's a body in the window seat.
Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer: You know?
Martha: Of course.
Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
Mortimer: But...but...
Abby: Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer: Forget?!
Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.

Mortimer: Men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby: Of course not, dear. He died first.
Mortimer: But how?
Abby: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this, Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!

Jonathan: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

Mortimer: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.
Teddy: Dr. Livingstone?
Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone?
Mortimer: Uh, that's what he presumes.

Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name?
Mortimer: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.

Abby: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
Mortimer: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

Mortimer: Wait outside.
Dr. Gilchrist: But it's Halloween!
Mortimer: Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight

Jonathan: And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan: Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

[Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]
Elaine: Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Mortimer: Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!

Mortimer: What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me?
Martha: We knew you'd find out in time.

Teddy: This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you.
Dr. Einstein: My how I've changed.

Teddy: [charging up the stairs] CHARGE!!!Charge the bunk house!!!
Reverend Harper: The bunkhouse?
Abby: Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

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