Arsenic and Old Lace quotes

View Quote Jonathan: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

View Quote Mortimer: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.
Teddy: Dr. Livingstone?
Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone?
Mortimer: Uh, that's what he presumes.

View Quote Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name?
Mortimer: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.

View Quote Abby: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
Mortimer: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

View Quote Mortimer: Wait outside.
Dr. Gilchrist: But it's Halloween!
Mortimer: Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight

View Quote Jonathan: And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan: Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

View Quote [Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]
Elaine: Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Mortimer: Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!

View Quote Mortimer: What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me?
Martha: We knew you'd find out in time.

View Quote Teddy: This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you.
Dr. Einstein: My how I've changed.

View Quote Teddy: [charging up the stairs] CHARGE!!!Charge the bunk house!!!
Reverend Harper: The bunkhouse?
Abby: Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

View Quote Cab Driver: I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!
Dr. Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.
Dr. Einstein: We got a hot stiff on our hands!
Martha: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.
Reporter: Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.
Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
Dr. Einstein: [hat falling across his eyes] Well, I'm off to Panama. Bon voyage!