Animal Crackers

Animal Crackers quotes

34 total quotes (ID: 41)

Captain Spaulding
Multiple Characters


Spaulding: [to audience] Here I am talkin' of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods looked down and laughed. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach. [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Well, what do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all gonna get married?
Mrs. Rittenhouse: All of us?
Spaulding: All of us!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: But that's bigamy!
Spaulding: Yes, and that's big-a-me, too...It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages! One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think, think of the honeymoon, strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two but no men. I may not go myself.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Are you suggesting companionate marriage?
Spaulding: Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with your folks and I could live with your folks. [To Mrs. Whitehead] And you, you could sell Fuller Brushes.


Spaulding: Africa is God's country, and He can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceeded three hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on...
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Pardon me. Just a moment, Captain, just a moment. I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen North.
Spaulding: Oh you did! Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine. Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Smoking some meat?
Spaulding: Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Oh, Captain!
Spaulding: Six of the biggest tigers...
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, did you catch six tigers?
Spaulding: I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The Elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an Elk-o-hole. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks...but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. Bolded portion is ranked #53 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

Spaulding: I say, take a letter to my lawyers!
Jamison: Well I am taking it!
[long pause, as nothing has yet been written]
Spaulding: Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick... semicolon.
Jamison: How do you spell semicolon?
Spaulding: All right, make it a comma. [pause] Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick. [pause] Gentlemen, question mark? [grunts]
Jamison: Do you want that, uh, [grunt] in the letter?
Spaulding: No, put that in an envelope. [pause] Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep... brackets...[pause] ... We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our... precautionary measures which have been involved... [pause] ...uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes... [pause] ...uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain...
Jamison: [interrupting] Hoping this finds him where?
Spaulding: Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison. Sneak. [pause] I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That's all, Jamison.

Spaulding: In a case like this, the first thing to do is to find the motive. Now what could have been the motive of the guys that swiped the Beaugard?
Ravelli: I got it. Robbery.
Spaulding: Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?

Spaulding: What do you fellas get an hour?
Ravelli: For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.
Spaulding: I see. What do you get for not playing?
Ravelli: Twelve dollars an hour.
Spaulding: Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Ravelli: Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That's-a fifteen dollars an hour...That's-a for rehearsing.
Spaulding: And what do you get for not rehearsing?
Ravelli: You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we a-don't play, and if we don't play [he snaps his finger] - that runs into money.
Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole?
Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.
Ravelli: Sewer.
Spaulding: Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
Ravelli: Well, let's see how-a we stand.
Spaulding: Flat-footed.
Ravelli: Yesterday, we didn't come. [To Mrs. Rittenhouse] You remember, yesterday we didn't come?
Spaulding: Oh, I remember.
Ravelli: Yes, that's three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars?
Ravelli: Yes, three hundred dollars.
Spaulding: Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.
Ravelli: Now today, we did come. That's-a [pause]..
Spaulding: That's a hundred you owe us.
Ravelli: Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about...
Spaulding:One million dollars.

Spaulding: Yes, I've heard about you for a great many years, Mr. Chandler, and I'm getting pretty darn sick of it, too.
Chandler: Quite naturally, I have also heard of the great Captain Spaulding.
Spaulding: Well, that's fine. I've heard of you and you've heard of me. Now have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen?
Chandler: Oh yes, ha, ha, ha.
Spaulding: Well, now that I've got you in hysterics, let's get down to business. My name is Spaulding, Captain Spaulding.
Chandler: I am Roscoe W. Chandler.
Spaulding: And I am Jeffrey T. Spaulding. I betcha don't know what the 'T' stands for?
Chandler: Uh, Thomas?
Spaulding: Edgar. You were close though. You were close, though, and you still are, I'll bet. Now this is what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Chandler. How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?
Chandler: Well, that is a question.
Spaulding: Yes, that is a question. You certainly know a question when you see it. I congratulate you...there's one thing that I've always wanted to do before I quit.
Chandler: What is that?
Spaulding: Retire. Now, would you be interested in a proposition of that kind? You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science that the world has ever known. This is your chance, Mr. Chandler, when I think of what you have done for this country. And by the way, what have you done for this country?

[singing] Hello, I must be going
I cannot stay
I came to say
I must be going...

[to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old Moslin. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Yes, I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette, and that's just the kind of a girl I crave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why, you've got beauty, charm, money. You have got money, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Ever since I've met you, I've swept you off my feet. Something has been throbbing within me, oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you...Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?...It's just my way of telling you that I love you, that's all.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Wait a minute. I think you're right. It is pretty bad. As a matter of fact, it's one of the frowziest looking joints I've ever seen....Where did you get your wallpaper? You're letting this place run down, and what's the result? You're not getting the class of people that you used to. Why, you've got people here now that look like you. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll put up a sign outside - Placed Under New Management. We'll set up a seventy-five-cent meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge 'em anything we want. Now, sign here and give me your check for fifteen hundred dollars. Now, I want to tell you, madam, that with this insurance policy you are provided for your little ones and for your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks now - if I'm any judge of horse flesh.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

[to the audience] Well, all the jokes can't be good! You've got to expect that once in a while.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.