Oh, yeah! The Stif-meister's coming back to Grand Harbor! Deck the halls, bye-bye Great Falls, wipe my ass and lick my balls! It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Finch, fist yourself!

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stif-meister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby!
Oz: Here's a new idea for you, Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other: you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you: I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

[after Finch describes watering a ficus as a "pure tantric moment"] Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jizz-free ficus.

Trumpet Kid: Are you a guest? Guests belong in the auditorium, you can't be here!
Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?
Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came, and then the bear had to be destroyed, which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.
Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

[Thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony] Oh, I can taste the bubbles! Actually, I can't.

Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

[answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stif-meister's palace of love--uh, straight love.

I kind of super-glued myself to, uh, myself.

That's a lot of flutes.

Where are the fucking females?

Stifler: Holy shit dude, I found a dildo! [Stifler runs round the house] Dildo! Dildo! Dildo! Big blue rubber dicks for everyone! The people demand rubber dicks!
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts!
[hands Jim the dildo]
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.
[later]
[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]
Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold!

[When walking past a girl in a short skirt before a lecture]] Ooh! There's little hearts on her panties! There's little hearts on her panties!