Danielle: [Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.

Finch: [talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom ] How did you do that magic you did?

Jim's Dad: [to parents of girl they caught in bed with Jim] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady, I... didn't get your daughter's name, but I hope my son did.

Jim's Dad: Hey: keep it real, homies.

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture, and I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Michelle: Jim?! holy potatoes!

Michelle: This one time--um, here.

Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it!

Heather: [Having phone sex with Oz] Oz, what should I do now?
Stifler: [Listening in] Oh, Heather, baby, why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's?
Oz: Stifler, get off!
Stifler: I am getting off, listening to the two of you! Keep going!

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
Vicky: None?
Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
Jim: Thanks, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Jim: [Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz] Amazing.
Stifler: Yes. The force is strong in that one.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.
Finch: Rump roast...
Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia!
Jim: Ah, yes, you would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch and then ditched me after prom.

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really, really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You--you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I am a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim: This is good, this is good. [looks down at his erect penis] Obviously.
Michelle: Oh! Uh, Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!
Jim: Uh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower!