Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

I didn't LOSE it. It's not like 'Whoops! Where did my job go?' I quit.

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.

I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.

Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.

Well the new me whacks off when he feels horny.

Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one — the day you die.

Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.

I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.

Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.

We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.

We have a very healthy relationship.

[To Ricky Fitts] I think you just became my personal hero!

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

[After Angela touches his muscles] You like muscles.