Audrey Paris: You see, Sammy, in California everybody needs a car. I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom.

Davis Newman: There's all this bullshit about death with dignity. You know what death with dignity is, man? You don't drool.

Davis Newman: This chick, man, without the benefit of dying herself, has broken down the process of death into five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm. "Good morning, Angerdenialbargainingdepressionacceptance!"

O'Connor Flood: [singing] Give it to me! Bye bye life, Bye bye happiness, hello loneliness, I think he's gonna die. Bye bye life, Bye bye happiness, Hello emptiness, I think he's gonna die. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Goodbye your life, goodbye.

O'Connor Flood: Ladies and gentleman, let me lay on you a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final appearance on the great stage of life - uh, you can applaud if you want to - Mr. Joe Gideon!

Angelique: Do you believe in love?
Joe Gideon: I believe in saying, "I love you." It helps you concentrate.

Audrey Paris: Quick. Tell me. What was the name of the girl in Philadelphia, the blonde with the television show?
Joe Gideon: Ah, the blonde with the television show. The blonde with the television show in Philadelphia? I remember that girl's name. I remember that girl's name because that girl meant something to me. The blonde with the television show - her name was Sweetheart! Honey? Baby? I can't remember her name.
Audrey Paris: Dorothy. Dorothy.
Joe Gideon: Who cares? I can't remember her name.

Dancer Backstage: Oh, fuck him! He never picks me!
Dancer Backstage: Honey, I did fuck him and he never picks me either.

Joe Gideon: [about Katie] Why do you suppose she'd put up with this?
Angelique: I could think of many reasons for being with you.
Joe Gideon: Now, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

Joe Gideon: A great entertainer...
O'Connor Flood: A great entertainer!
Joe Gideon: A great humanitarian...
O'Connor Flood: A great humanitarian!
Joe Gideon: And my dear friend for 25 years...
O'Connor Flood: And my dearest friend for 20 years!
Katie Jagger: You missed by five years, Joe.
Joe Gideon: Oh boy, do I hate show business!
Katie Jagger: Joe, you love show business.
Joe Gideon: Oh, that's right. I love show business. I'll go either way.

Joe Gideon: I always look for the worst in people.
Angelique: A little of yourself in them?
Joe Gideon: Yeah, a little of myself. And generally, I find it.
Angelique: Well, it may take you years, but you'll find it. Oh, you are cute. You are cute.

Joe Gideon: Katie, I tried to give you everything I could give.
Kate Jagger: Oh, you give all right; presents, clothes. I just wish you weren't so generous with your cock.

Joe Gideon: Nothing I ever do is good enough. It's not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?"
Angelique: Now that's probably one of your better con lines.
Joe Gideon: Yeah, it it. But that doesn't mean I don't mean it.

Michelle Gideon: It's just that I keep wondering, Dad. Why don't you get married again?
Joe Gideon: I don't get married again, because I can't find anyone I dislike enough to inflict that kind of torture on.

Victoria Porter: [crying] No, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look in the mirror and I'm embarrassed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Joe Gideon: Listen, I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?
Victoria Porter: Are you going to keep yelling at me?
Joe Gideon: Probably.