How dare you say 'penis' to a dead person.

[On finding her soul inside Roger Cobb's body] I don't believe this. I can't even die right.

You are rude, crude, and thoroughly unattractive.

[To his girlfriend] You bought me a gravestone for my thirty-eighth birthday?!

[To his dog] Don't look at me like that. I'm not going in there as a messenger boy; I'm a trained legal advisor. No more being looked down on by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on, I'm gonna be respected... by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.

Is everyone here bananas?

[After Edwina has called him a 'peasant'] Listen, lady. Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers; I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity.

[To Edwina] You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.

[Regarding the empty church at Edwina's memorial] You really know how to pack them in.

Edwina Cutwater: Guess what I'm going to do?
Roger Cobb: What?
Edwina Cutwater: I'm going to come back from the dead.
Roger Cobb: [Patronising] Ohhh. And what makes you think you can do that?
Edwina Cutwater: Because I'm rich.

Roger Cobb: Miss Cutwater, as your attorney, I must advise you - your will can be challenged if you are deemed to be... not of sound mind.
Edwina Cutwater: Why, you presumptious ambulance chaser. Are you implying that I am not of sound mind?
Roger Cobb: No, I wouldn't do that. But I think everyone else in the solar system might.

Roger Cobb: You'll have to do it.
Edwina Cutwater: Do what?
Roger Cobb: You know, take it out.
Edwina Cutwater: Take what out?
Roger Cobb: The little fireman.
Edwina Cutwater: The little fireman?
Roger Cobb: You know, my penis.
Edwina Cutwater: How dare you say penis to a dead person.

Edwina Cutwater: Well I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this.
Roger Cobb: Because I want my body back! And I want my freedom and my privacy! And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak without being fondled!
Edwina Cutwater: You may find this hard to believe, but 'fondling you' while you make pee-pee is not my idea of a good time.

[Recounting her lonely, friendless life]
Edwina Cutwater: [Tearfully] Once, my parents hired a clown to entertain me. But he didn't like me! So when my parents were in the room, he'd just sit there, and didn't lift a finger to amuse me!
Roger Cobb: [Appalled] That's a terrible clown.

Edwina Cutwater: I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday.
Roger Cobb: And I'm sorry if I made your being dead an unpleasant experience.