Ace Ventura quotes

[catchphrase] All-righty, then.

[repeated line] Ree-hee-hee-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE... EEEeeally?

[repeated line] Kooky.

[repeated line (variations of:)] Like-a-glove!

[to a helicopter pilot] You know... you can put somebody's eye out with that thing!

[inspects the dwelling of the sacred bat] Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel.

Do I have something in my teeth?

[as the Wachati Princess performs the Virgin's Dance of Seduction near him] I am now a holy man. I think of women as the mothers of our children. They are a sanctuary for the reproductive organs. A temple to house the miracle of procreation. [to Greenwall] Do you have a dollar?

Meeting with sinister types much? A-not 'too much', a 'much too much'.

There's... someone on the wing! Some... THING! [grabs Greenwall threateningly] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

I had a dog, and his name was... BINGO!

The urine stain on your pants signifies that you are a single-shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

Friends! Rodents! Quadrupeds! Lend me your rears! [does a Tarzan yell through his rear]

I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YA!

It is the mucus that binds us.

Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger.

Don't mind me, Mr Quinn. I'm just a curious little rhino!

Kinda hot in these rhinos...

Awww, nobody wants to play with me!

We love you, dark continent! Good night!

Guano bowls! Collect the whole set!

You know... gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay.

"Wunderbar", he exclaimed with great relish.

Vhere iz zhe bat?

TAKE THAT, YOU WINGED SPAWN OF SATAN!

DIE, DEVIL-BIRD!

[pelvic thrusting] Can you feel that, huh, can ya feel it, Captain Compost?!

If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use your body to get to the top! You can't stop me no matter who you are! [laughs menacingly] LOSER! [they fly off, Ace looks at the camera] Leh-hew... zhe-her!

That's quite a lovely rack you're wearing. Perhaps I could find you some fluffy new slippers made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

Cadby! From the consulate, right? This is weird!

That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! [gasps] DAMN, I'M GOOD!

[after driving the consulate general's car, flipping it numerous times and looking to find he landed in a parking space perfectly] Like a glove!

[sees the hideout of the poachers] Gravy!

Guano! Hello? Does "poop" ring a bell? [quotes from a book] "Guano: mines as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply in fertilizer, a $1.4 billion industy." THAT'S what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area... and you want that dooky so bad, you can taste it!

Do not pass go! Do not collect two hundred dollars!

It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn.

Let's go kick some... [mimics as if to begin saying "ass"]... consolate butt!

Hey, what are ya, HR Shove-N-Stuff?

[meeting Quinn's pet raven, Tinky] Pleasure, Tinky. Corvus corax, common raven, smartest of all birds. Rare in these parts.

[after the Tiny Warrior changes his hairstyle to resemble horns] All right! This White Devil thing has gone far enough. NOBODY... MESSES... WITH THE DO!

[saying "loser"] Le-hew. Ze-her.

[strikes Vincent Cadby on the rear with the riders whip] Funny, it didn't seem that painful when you were doing it to the horse.

It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.

Aww, he wants to go off-road!

[after witnessing the monks celebrating his absence] I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

[Discussing how he will infiltrate the Wachootoo tribe] Worry not, my brother. I will be as a fly on the wall. A grain of salt in the ocean. I shall slip amongst them like a transparent... thing.

[a reference to Scarface, whilst holding a skunk] SAY HELLO TO MY STINKY LITTLE FRIEND!!

Spank you very much!

[after parking] Lll-ii-k'a'gll-ove!

NONSENSE POOPYPANTSSS!!

Ace Ventura: I am yet to achieve omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Monk: No. Wait. There it is! You've just attained it.
Ace Ventura: I have?
Monk: Yes, just now. You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!

Attendant: Peanuts?
Ace Ventura: [looks down] Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.
Attendant: [holding bag of peanuts] Peanuts.
Ace Ventura: ...Oh, I see!

Wachati Princess: That is a dart of the Watchootoo shaman!
Ace Ventura: The whattie whattun?

[after Ace drives the jeep on a disasterous journey through the jungle]
Ace Ventura: Ah, there's the consolate!
Fulton Greenwall: Oh. Thank God.
Ace Ventura: [still driving at top speed] Now if I can JUST find a parkin' spot!
Fulton Greenwall: But don't you think we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?!
Ace Ventura: Nonsense, poopy-pants!
[Ace sends the jeep flipping through the air, until it lands in the carpark]
Ace Ventura: Like a glove!

Wachootoo Medicine Man: [upon seeing Ace] Equinsu... ocha!
Ace Ventura: [to Ouda] ...What does equinsu ocha mean?
Ouda: "White Devil."
Ace Ventura: Well, tell him I'm not.
Ouda: I only met you. How do I know?

The Tiny Warrior: [shrieking in Watchootoo]
Ace Ventura: What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall: I think he said that she is not a virgin. [looks at Ace]
Ace Ventura: ...They can tell that!?

Ace Ventura: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.
Ouda: It's made from guano.
Ace Ventura: Guano! Sounds so familiar...
[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.
[Ace drops the bowl spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their chief resource, they use it to made many things in the village.
Ace Ventura: Yyyyyummay!

Ace Ventura: What type of bat are we talking about?
Fulton Greenwall: The Great White Bat, of course.
Ace Ventura: Corpuscular chiroptera?
Fulton Greenwall: Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
[Natives kneel in respect of the name every time it is mentioned]
Ace Ventura: Shikaka. [they kneel again] Shikakaaaa! [they kneel once more] Shikasha! [they begin to kneel but catch on that he didn't say the name right] Ahhh! Shhhish kabab. Shhhhhawshank Redemption. SHI-KAAAAGO! (Chicago) [Chief kneels] You're outta there! [points outside] Go on, you're gone, go on.

Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace Ventura: Nice to meet you. Bumblebee tuna! Bumblebee tuna! Excuse me. [whispers] Your balls are showing! Bumblebee tuna!

Ace Ventura: Okay, everything here seems good. Big load off my mind. You can speculate all you want but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know. [chuckles] We should head back now.
Fulton Greenwall: Aren't you going to go investigate?
Ace Ventura: There's no reason for anyone to go in there. Ever. I... sense it as a holy man.
Fulton: But I thought you said...
Ace Ventura: IT'S DARK! I COULD FALL INTO A PRECIPICE!
Ouda: Here you go.
[hands him a torch]
Ace Ventura: [gives look] Spank you, Helpy Helperton.

Ace Ventura: Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it! [starts crawling around furiously as if to attempt a daring escape, then stops] ...Flick it, QUICK!
[Greenwall does nothing]
Ace Ventura: All-righty then, shall we go to jail?

[with Greenwall at top of the huge stairs leading to a temple]
Ace Ventura: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[close-up of slinky going down huge steps to temple]
Ace Ventura: Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record!! [singing] Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
[Slinky stops on the second to last step]
Ace Ventura: Awwwwww, MAN!! Can you believe it?! It was RIGHT there! Can I do it one more time?
Fulton Greenwall: Forgive me, Mr Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.
Ace Ventura: Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.

[Ace is horrified at being inside a room decorated with the heads and bodies of animals]
Quinn: Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
Ace Ventura: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death. Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

Fulton Greenwall: You must be very proud, Ace.
Ace Ventura: Pride is an abomination! One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.

Fulton Greenwall: My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.
Ashram Monk: No man here... carries with him... a label...
Fulton Greenwall: Oh yes. No names, how silly of me. Umm, he is an American.
Ashram Monk: We are all children... of the same life force...
Fulton Greenwall: [thinking of any other descriptions] Yes, well, he bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk: Oh, him. This way.

[Ace is losing against the Tiny Warrior in the Watchootoo Circle of Death]
Ouda: Ace! He much better fighter than you.
Ace Ventura: [looks annoyed] Doi!

[Watchootoo chief speaks in Watchootoo to Ace]
Ouda: Wachootoo Chief say, "You friend to Watchootoo."
[Ace snorts and the Watchootoo chief speaks again]
Ouda: "But if curse of Shikaka not lifted by tomorrow sun at top of sky, Wachootoo kill all Wachati, and smash your head on a rock."
Ace Ventura: ...Super. Take care now, bye-bye then.

  »   More Quotes from
  »   Back to the