[as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm GOING to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER!

For God's sake's, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not a POOL-MAN!

Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear.

If the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN!! THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead!! He found Captain Winky!!!

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Assholimio... Osodomia...
[Einhorn walks over to Emilio and Ace]
Ace Ventura: HOLY...Testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear] Excuse me! I'd like to ass you a few questions!
Emilio: This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Lois Einhorn: The laces were in! They were IN!
[Lois then shoots one of the TV sets.]

Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Ace Ventura: Hmm, what do you know. They're little footballs.
Mrs. Finkle: Laces out!

Ajuss can't do it Captain! I DON'T... HAVE... the POWER!

This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [as Tangina Barrons ] I have exorcised the demons. This house is clear. [to Einhorn and the news crew, who denied his theories earlier] Losers? LOSERS! Leh-hoo. Zeh-hers!

Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

[after getting attacked by a shark in the restrooms] Do NOT go in there! WOOOO!

I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.

[to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.