Accepted quotes

View Quote Bartleby: [seeing Schrader in his hot dog costume] Oh, no!
Schrader: Ask me about my weiner! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r!
Bartleby: [approaching with Monica] Schrader?
Monica: Hey.
Schrader: Oh hey, B. And Monica.
Bartleby: Why are you wearing that?
Schrader: Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman!
Bartleby: Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.
[Monica and Schrader are silent]
Bartleby: Don't ask me how I know that. [Monica laughs]
Schrader: Listen, could you guys ask me about my weiner real quick?
Bartleby: Schrader (pause), no.
Schrader: Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my weiner, please!
Bartleby: Why are you doing this?
Schrader: What do you mean?
Bartleby: This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy.
Schrader: [angry] You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier, I'm happy! [storms off, starts chasing another student] Hey, ask me about my weiner!

View Quote Glen: Look what I did.
Bartleby: Ugh, what are those?
Glen: I call them Glen Wads. They contain every delicious flavor in every single bite. Try one.
Bartleby: I'm not gonna lie to you, they look disgusting.
Glen: This shit will get you high on flavor alone.
Kiki: Glen, I love your Wads.

View Quote Dean Van Horne: [referring to Ben] Mr. Lewis has not been teaching for over 20 years! He's a delinquent and a drunkard!
Schrader: [stands up] Hey, asshole! You're talking about my mom's brother!
Dean Van Horne: Oh, sit down!
Schrader: [sits down] Okay.
[During the accreditation hearing]
Dr. Alexander: So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students?
Bartleby: [silent]
Dr. Alexander: Mr. Gaines! Answer the question!
Bartleby: No, I'm not gonna answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. Just because you want us to be more like them, when we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of, hazing kids, or humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts?
Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby: Why? Why can't we both exist? You can have your grades, and your rules, and your structure and ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby: No, you're the criminal, because you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion, that's the real crime! What about you parents? Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow, your heart, or roll over, play it safe? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or no, maybe you wanted to be a poet, or a magician, or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I lied to you, and I'm sorry, Dad, especially you. But out of that desperation, something so great happened. Because there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you know it, and I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. Because you don't need grades or rules or structure to really learn, you just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon! So you can go ahead. Sign your forms. Reject us, shoot us down, do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning and we'll never forget the truths that were instilled in us at our place! Because we're S.H.I.T.Heads now, and we'll be S.H.I.T.Heads forever, and nothing you can say or do or stamp can take that away from us, so go!

View Quote [bargaining with his sister, Lizzie]
Bartleby: Ok, I'll give you anything you want, not money-related.
Lizze: Your Razor scooter.
Bartleby: Ok.
Lizze: And a fake ID.
Bartleby: No! I'm not letting you drink!
Lizzie: It's so I can vote, dumb-ass.
Glen: You need a Razor scooter to vote?

View Quote Schrader: Hey, guys. Don't go in there! That's breaking and entering.
Bartleby: C'mon, Schrader, don't be scared.
Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared, you're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were afraid to taste the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Schrader: I told you that in confidence, Hands!
Bartleby: Schrader you were afraid when your tooth fell out 'cuz you were terrified of the tooth fairy.
Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.

View Quote Ben: In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want. You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.
Kid: I want the pump!
Ben: I don't got the pump. But look! I've got the Tim Dunkan Adidas Cool D's.
Kid: I want the pump!
Ben: Listen you insolent little snot! There are kids right now in Asia, who are sewing your stupid shoes together, so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
Schrader: This is the worst idea of all time.
Bartleby: Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius. It'll be fine.
Woman: What did you do?
Ben: You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid. You know what? Maybe he's ****ed. I'm glad my mother's DEAD!
Bartleby: He's just having a bad day.

View Quote 'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us!

View Quote Schrader: Hey, you wanted to fool your dad and the guy's not an idiot. And also, it was your idea to put acceptance letters as just "one click away".
Bartleby: Yeah, you put it as "one click away", you don't make it clickable!

View Quote (on the idea of South Harmon) Let's start this fake college. Then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. It's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

View Quote Bartleby: We have a situation.
Schrader: I'm kinda busy right now, I'm in the middle of rush--
Bartleby: Ok, remember when we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Schrader: Yeah, and Lizzie was born.
Bartleby: It's worse than that.

View Quote Bartleby: Oh yeah, Monica, this is Schrader.
Schrader: Oh yeah, I think we know each other. We were in math class together..I sat behind you, you know..all the way in back...yeah, I don't remember you either..

View Quote Bartleby: A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hands.
Schrader: That doesn't make any sense.

View Quote Bartleby: So you saying you wanna be a SHIT head?
Schrader: I wanna be a SHIT head.

View Quote Bartleby's mom: It's so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally.
Ben: ****in' A!

View Quote Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on Ebay.
Ben: They sell my shit on Ebay?
Hands: You wrote a book?
Ben: Yeah, that was back when I was drinking. [He takes a shot]