Mr. Zadir: Dooey, did you just grab my ass?
Dooey: Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.
Mr. Zadir: Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey!

Mr. Zadir: Wait a minute, did you just grab my ass?
Doug: No.
Mr. Zadir: Do you want to?
Doug: No... should I?

New Club Waiter: Mr. Zadir, Dooey just called from Pismo Beach. He says there's no way he could've grabbed your ass.
Mr. Zadir: What is he up to now?

Steve: [on his marriage] Dad, is there any way I can get out of this?
Kamehl Butabi: Yes... nooooooo.

Steve: I miss Doug!
Kamehl Butabi: He's in the guest house! He's 20 feet away!
Steve: But he doesn't have cable!
Kamehl Butabi: Yes he does! He has Cinemax!
Steve: But there's no HBO! GOD! [runs off crying]

Steve: Oh my god, Doug. This is the most amazing place I've ever been.
Richard Grieco: Guys, guys. This is the coat room. The club's in here.

Steve: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?
Doug: Steve, slow down.
Steve: I can't help it man, it's hottie overload.
Doug: Just pace yourself.
Steve: Ok... What's up?... 2, 3, 4. What's up?... 2, 3, 4...

Steve: What's up?
Hottie Cop: Do you know you were doing 50?
Doug: [whispers to Steve] Hottie cop likes you. Think she pulls over just anybody? Make a move.
Steve: What's up?
Hottie Cop: Just giving you an $80 ticket.
Doug: [whispers to Steve] She is so into you
Hottie Cop: I want you to do me a favor.
Steve: What ever you say, "T.J. Hooker".
Hottie Cop: (laughs) Please obey all posted speed limits. Have a good night
Steve: It's already been good, now that you have served and protected me.
[Hottie cop leaves]
Doug: Way to go brother! You got her badge number and you got a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court. Up top. Very nice! Yeah!

(a Topless woman gets out of the pool and asks for a towel)
Steve: Good, how are you?
Doug: About 8 o'clock, 8:15. Yeah, all the time.
Steve: BMW.
Doug: Right at sunset.
Steve: Vanilla mostly.

(Old women asks about fake roses)
Women In Flower Store: How long will they last?
Steve: Well, they'll last forever, cause they're silk. They'll always be there. They'll never die. They'll never change. They'll never say you're not good looking. They'll always be in your room where you left them and not suddenly move out to the guest house

Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island. - man, that was a sweet show - Yeah, it was a sweet show.

Hey, Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically.

Hi. You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not here right now because I'm too busy outside living it up, unlike my pussy-whipped brother who's too busy throwing his life away for Emily. Beep.

Man, I owe you [pulls out an energy bar called "Big Time"] BIG TIME! For bringing me here!