I almost fucked an outlet today.

You stupid, stupid... silly little person.

Wait, wait. Don't go to sleep yet. We got to talk about something. [pause] Stickers. Do you like stickers?

Dude, you've got to tell her. Seriously. You can pass off two dates without a kiss as being old fashioned - you go three and you're a homo.

Do you know how many hours I spent looking for for my "Temple of Poon" tape. One. That is a long time to be looking for porn, Matt, what the fuck is going on.

This is a photocopy of Candy's ass? You're gonna call her, right?

Mandy: [describing the importance of women's power of abstinence] Women have been doing this since... the beginning. It's all part of the system. But you're taking the power and you're fucking with the system. Now, you realize that we can't let this happen, hmm?

Candy: [describing the typical sexuality of men] They're like animals; their whole lives revolve around their penises.

Jerry Anderson: I've jerked off three times since lunch and I've still got this fucking hard-on.

Ryan: One - you can't do it. You just can't. This isn't a personal attack towards you, I'm just saying that no man can do it, it goes against nature. The male was biologically designed to spread his seed. You're gonna piss off the seeds Matt! It goes against science! You wanna be the guy who goes against science?
Matt: And two?
Ryan: And two, are you out of your fucking mind? You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich, you think you can go 40 days? Did your brother put you up to this?
Matt: No - in fact he's been about as supportive as you are. Look, this doesn't affect you in any way.
Ryan: Oh, this affects everybody...

Ryan: Okay, I know you have some Nicole issues right now but...
Matt: I do not have any Nicole issues.
[Ryan picks up an old picture of Matt and Nicole]
Ryan: 'Hi, I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole that still infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months'. I mean she's hot Matt, I don't mind looking at her, all I'm saying is - you have issues.

Matt: Have you ever noticed a crack in my ceiling?
Ryan: Dude, you're action packed with issues.

Erica: If I told you, "Don't think about the color red", what would you think about?
Matt: Sex.

Nicole: Hey, Bagel Guy.
The Bagel Guy: You know my name?

Duncan: She said I looked like Lionel Ritchie.
Neil: Well that's great!
Duncan: No it's not.