Bobbie Jean: Oh! I got and eyelash. Make a wish.
Roshanda: [Sigh] Custody of my kids.
Gerhardt: Sobriety
Roshanda: Oh, come on baby, we all want that. Think of something else.
Gerhardt: My foreskin back. No one asked me before they took it. They just took it.
Oliver: Way to share, Gerhardt, way to share.

If that will make you happy, I will stop drinking. And then I would tell myself, "Tonight, I will not get wasted." And then something would happen. Or nothing would happen. And, uh, I'd get that feeling. I think you all know what that feeling is. When your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking. Uh, and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat. And you know, that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn't dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say, "Oh, geeze, I didn't know. Here. It's okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks. Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being, you do it. And boy, I did it. I drank and I snorted, and I drank and I snorted, and drank and I snorted, and I did this day after day after day after night after night. And I didn't care about the consequences, because I knew they couldn't be half as bad as not using. And then one night, something happened. I woke up. I woke up on a sidewalk. And I had no idea where I was. I couldn't have told you the city I was in. And my head was pounding, and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood. And as I'm lying there, wondering what happens next, I head a voice, and it said, "Man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die."

Well, there's my excuse. I'm late because my tits caught on fire.

Thank God for bar cars.

[After crashing into Lily's wedding cake and ruining it] Don't worry, I'll replace it. Okay?

[Betty is confiscating inappropriate items from Gwen's bag] An eyelash curler? And what am I going to do with that? Stab myself? Curl my tongue to death?

Yeah, I know I drink a lot, I know I do because I'm a writer and that's what I do, I drink. I'm not like those people out there, I can control myself! I can, if - that - if I wanted to, I could, if I wanted. I can! I can!

You know, your carpet is filthy. And I only bring that up because carpet grit's responsible for a lot of major health problems. And that's the last thing that you need around here is a major health problem.

Um, hey, um, listen, about the um, about that uh, jail thing... I-I-I- I can't. I-I I can't go. Um, uh, well, not because I don't want to go, but, um, it, uh, oh God, my hands, you know, they just keep doing that. That's not normal. I just-- there's something wrong with my hands-- um, well, with me. Cause, uh, what kind of person just jumps out of a- what kind of person jumps out of a window, you know? Because she can't sit still, you know? And be alone and, you know, in a room, without-- You know a person should be able to just be alone, right? You know, human beings should be able to just breathe. I can't breathe. And I feel that I think I know-- I think I know that if I go to jail... like this, you know, I'll die, and, uh, I don't wanna die.

I am having a bad day! The worst damn day of my whole damn life! If it is not too much to ask will you all just back the fuck off!

Oh, so our therapist today is a very large, smelly, beast of burden.

I am so tired by the way you people talk. You know, I mean, "one day at a time." What is that? I mean, like two, three days at a time is an option?

I'm not a lesbian!

You don't have to live my shitty little life, and until you do, do not tell me to give up the one person who matters to me, okay! Because, I know, he's not perfect, but he's the one person that will show up, on my birthday, and he'll say, "I'm glad you were born!"

Santa Cruz watcher!